May 22, 2013

The poetry of Mitch McConnell

To many, U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell is a cynical opportunist, lining his pockets (and those of his corporate cronies) with millions of dollars while showing utter disregard for his poor, unemployed and unhealthy constituents suffering back home.

To others, he’s simply a hardworking senator, tenaciously opposed to economic justice, gun safety, peace, a sustainable environment, marriage equality, immigration reform, renewable energy and compassion toward the mentally ill. So it might come as a surprise to read the following heartfelt poetry of Sen. McConnell, gleaned entirely from his press releases. To read more of Sen. McConnell’s hauntingly moving works, visit mcconnell.senate.gov.

Share the blame
It is not my first goal every morning

to get up and make you look bad.

History is full of fallen despots and madmen.

Putting on a pair of goggles or showing up

at a factory is a great way to at least look

like you’re doing something about job creation.

 

Odette once lived alone and couldn’t afford to

feed her three children. She lives in America’s

collective memory in a pair of rimless glasses,

hair pulled back, neatly dressed in a simple hat

and dress, or staring stoically ahead.

 

Today the U.S. is the world’s largest

consumer of hemp.

And we all know that Washington

uses tax increases to

fund even more spending — on things like

robosquirrels, and Solyndra —

not to reduce the deficit.

It’s how we got in this mess in the first place.

 

If you don’t use it too much, it will never hurt anyone. Let’s do some important things.

Ban Ki-Moon, Foreign Minister Zebari,

Eleanor Roosevelt. Our Enemies Aren’t

Threatened by Talk-a-thons.

 

We Still Don’t Know What the Levin

Amendment Does. Divided government

is the only way where you can kind of

share the blame.

 

The Warnings Are Too Loud To Ignore

When I was in school, the abacus

was still the latest educational invention.

It reminds me of when the Dodgers

lost my favorite baseball player and another

great Kentuckian, Pee Wee Reese.

 

When Lady Bird Taylor met the man she

would marry in the fall of 1934, her first

reaction was to pull back.

“Lyndon came on very strong,” she said. “My

instinct was to withdraw.”

 

What’s at stake here, Mr. President? The dangers

could be a civil war dividing the country,

regional wars and the collapse of the state.

 

One time at a shoe store, a man with

exceptionally large feet walked in and

said to Alben, “I’d like to see a pair of shoes

that would fit me.” The sharp-witted tobacco farmer’s son retorted,

“So would I!”

 

The history books tell us he bought a

one-eyed horse named “Dick.” His

forceful warnings about the dangers

of relativism have served as an important

reminder of something we all learned

as children: that there is such a thing as

right and wrong.

There’s a lot more Texas is doing right.

 

There are many different perspectives on

this issue, and passions are high on all sides.

Credit allowed them to start businesses and

mount a full frontal assault on hopelessness.

If it can’t be done under General Petraeus,

then it cannot be done at all.

 

These generic crushable drugs lack the

tamper-resistant gel coating of the brand

name drugs. We are looking forward to

Jennifer Lawrence having a long and

successful career.

 

We can do nothing to lessen their anguish.

Just think of President Reagan.

The warnings are too loud to ignore.