November 7, 2012

Bar Belle: We are never, ever getting in shape

I hope this doesn’t come as a surprise, but sometimes I behave myself at night so I can make it to the gym in the morning. I once had an apartment with a shower so disgusting that I made myself get up and go to the gym so I could get ready there. Morning workouts just became routine … barring any hangover and as long as I woke up in my own bed. I typically attend a spin class, because I like being told what to do. But some mornings I tool around the main workout room, probably looking like that creepy dude at Victoria’s Secret who can’t find his way out of the panty section. I’ll lift up a weight and quickly put it back. I will sit down to stretch and end up taking a nap. I’ll flash an evil eye to the grunting man who’s lifting himself up by a bar. And I’ll hoist myself onto the elliptical machine so I can watch music videos on MTV and VH-1. And while I’m doing all this physical activity, I have my iPod on shuffle. There is a point to this story — and it’s about mixed messages.

Last week I was lifting weight No. 6 when Britney Spears’ “Crazy” came on. I’m a sucker for lyrics, and I like to dissect the meaning so I can understand the tone. OK, so this one is about how she is head over heels for a new love. Easy enough. So head over heels that she can’t help herself. ’Cause, baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night. And then something weird happened — “Oops I Did It Again” started playing after “Crazy,” and it’s basically the exact opposite song, taken from the other person’s perspective. In “Oops,” she’s disparaging the person who has such a big crush in “Crazy.” She’s playing with that person’s heart and thinks it’s funny. Oops, you think she’s in love, but she ain’t, girlfriend. She’s not that innocent.

And I found another example of this from the lyrical genius that is Taylor Swift. Everyone loves the mean-spirited protagonist in “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” I get it, we’ve all been there. But just a year or two ago, she was begging to get back together with us in “Back to December.” Remember? She broke our heart … we brought her roses and she left them there to die? She knows she royally fucked up and wishes that she realized what she had when we were hers. So which is it? Does she want to get back with us, or never, ever, ever?

I guess the point is: We’ve all been crazy in love and not so crazy in love. Sometimes you can’t help but text someone 18 times in one hour, and other times you avoid a person until she gets the hint. And the other point is: I should actually exercise more when I’m at the gym instead of dissecting pop music lyrics.

Bar of the Week
You know how old rich people go to Florida for the winter — I think they’re called snowbirds? I’m a snowbird myself, but I don’t fly south to avoid the chill, I just hunker down at Cumberland Brewery (1576 Bardstown Road), where their locally conceived beer warms my cockles with every swallow. For some reason, my palate craves dark, heavy beer during the fall and winter months, and Cumberland is the ideal place to satisfy that need. And their food is yummy, too!

Last week I stopped in for their Roasted Pumpkin Ale and was delighted to find they had a steak and beer special for $10! In fact, that’s the special every Thursday. And on Tuesdays, it’s $2.75 pints, on Wednesdays it’s a $10 bison burger and a beer. If you’re one of those vegetarian creatures, I recommend the black bean nachos … and I hear the veggie burger is good, too. But let’s get back to the beer. The Pumpkin Ale was sick, as the kids say. It’s like they pulled a Jesus and turned Grandma’s pumpkin pie recipe into beer. I don’t even care for pumpkins, but I fell in love with this spicy concoction.

Drunk Texts of the Week
• You’re smooth and I have wrinkles!
• How did I make it home with jerky but not coozies?
• There’s a dangling chad in my vote hole

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.