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March 3, 2010

Tea party patriots: all-jokes edition

How many tea party patriots does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten million and five: One to go to Wal-Mart and buy a lightbulb (and a gun because he’s going to the store anyway), one to scoff at global climate change, one to draw a rally poster making fun of Al Gore, one to complain about the socialist conspiracy to bring light to all Americans, one to change the bulb, and 10 million to sit in the dark even though the light is on.

“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “A communist-fascist dictator.” “That’s impossible — communism and fascism are at opposite ends of the philosophical spectrum.” “You’re supposed to say ‘a communist-fascist dictator who.’” “Fine. A communist-fascist dictator who?” “Oh, never mind. You’ve ruined the joke. I’ll go next door to the tea party patriot’s house.”

What do Fox News and pâté have in common? They’re both popular with crackers. Did you hear about the new e-Beck from Amazon? When you click “download” it whines about socialism for an hour and then breaks into tears. What’s the difference between Cinemax After Dark and a tea bag convention? One’s a show about people who are agitated over stimulus packages and the other is a group of people with their mouths full of balls.

Why did the tea party patriot miss the anti-tax meeting? She was too busy driving on taxpayer-funded roads, sending her kids to public school, living in a safe neighborhood, drinking clean water, breathing clean air, enjoying public parks, using public lands, buying safe products, eating inspected food, and enjoying countless other services funded by tax dollars, but this isn’t shaping up like much of a punch line, so let’s say she ate so many bologna and cheese Hot Pockets that she was too fat to fit into the public library meeting room.

Why did the tea party militia fail to stop the spread of socialism? Because they forgot to write “Ready, Aim, Fire!” on the palms of their hands. Why couldn’t the tea party patriot afford to go to the NRA rally? Because he spent all his money buying unlicensed guns at the flea market. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and a tea party patriot? One’s a half-black linksman with ass on his mind and the other’s a half-assed thinksman with blacks on his mind.

A liberal, a conservative and a tea party patriot appear on “Good Morning America.” George Stuffenenvelopes asks them how they’d solve the economic crisis. The liberal says, “We should tax the rich and provide health care for all.” The conservative says, “We should cut taxes on the rich and run up huge deficits on endless wars.” The tea party patriot says, “We should neither tax nor borrow nor spend. We should drill, baby, drill before the Nazi death panelists take away our freedom and destroy the nation. Abortion! Terrorism! Ditto! Git-R-Done! Obamanation! Freedom! Pit bull! Dale Earnhardt!” Noticing that the conservative has been violently twisting the tea party patriot’s nipples, George Snuffleuppegus says, “What’s going on?” The conservative says, “Oh, sorry about that. I was just tuning my AM radio.”

Mankind finally destroys the planet, and Sarah Palin, John Yarmuth and Barack Obama all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. When Palin steps forward, St. Peter says, “I’m sorry, ma’am. This will probably come as a shock to you: No Christians are allowed in heaven.” Yarmuth steps forward and says, “What about me? I’m not a Christian.” St. Peter says, “Sorry, sir, no Americans are allowed either. The Lord has ruled that absolutely no Christians and no Americans are allowed into the kingdom of heaven.” And Barack Obama goes, “SWEET!”

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and a tea party patriot walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m surprised to see you guys together!” The tea party patriot says, “Why are you surprised? All of my beliefs are based on the principles of the Founding Fathers!” Jefferson says, “Indeed, I wrote, ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal’ while schtupping my slaves.” Washington says, “I too was a slaveholder. And as ‘father of our country,’ I led the military against my own citizens in the Whiskey Rebellion because they refused to pay taxes.” And Franklin says, “Yeah, I pretended to be a Puritan, yet rarely attended church and fathered an illegitimate son.” The bartender says, “So what you have in common is that you’re all hypocrites?” “No,” says Franklin. “What we have in common is that we’re all living in the 18th century.” 

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