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May 25, 2011

A LEO Weekly Exclusive: The ‘Too Fat to Fight’ memo

A cache of documents rumored to be held by WikiLeaks appears poised to expose a conspiracy to force nations worldwide to lay down their arms forever.

The conspiracy, known as “Project Obesity,” is thought to be the master plan of a complex, clandestine network called Peace Underground. The CIA believes Peace Underground includes among its membership high-level government and corporate employees in countries around the globe. Their goal: to manipulate the world’s food supply to create a generation of military-aged men and women who are too obese and lethargic to wage war. LEO Weekly has obtained a copy of an email from the organization’s leadership, and we publish it here for the first time.

To: The Affiliates. From: Peace Underground. Subject: “Project Obesity.”

The recent “Mission Readiness” report that was widely covered in the global media signifies a major milestone toward our goal of world peace. As you all know, the report shows that 75 percent of young Americans are ineligible for military service and 9 million Americans of prime recruiting age are “too fat to fight.” While many in America worry about becoming too FAT to fight, we rejoice that America is becoming too fat to FIGHT. We in the Underground can all take a bow for this achievement.

As the former U.S. military generals reported, the percentage of U.S. recruits who were rejected for being overweight jumped from 12 percent in 1995 to 21 percent in 2008. In Kentucky, Alabama and Mississippi, fully half of all recruits are too bovine to brawl. The average kid would have to lose 34 pounds just for the privilege of risking death in exchange for college financial aid. I think we can all agree that ain’t gonna happen so long as those high-def pizza and taco commercials are on the air.

Thanks to your hard work, we have helped create an entire generation of young people who don’t have the get up and go to shoot, maim and stab. Soon, citizens of the world’s most militarily aggressive nation will no longer be able to hoist their lardy buttocks off the couch to go to Krispy Kreme, let alone Kandahar. We can now proclaim what we’ve long suspected: Gandhi was wrong. His methods of fasting and non-cooperation were the exact opposite of what the world needs. He and his scrawny brethren like Jesus Christ, the Dalai Lama and Bob Geldof? All well-intentioned, all wrong. Down with reconciliation! Up with Cheetos!

Obviously, we can’t rest on our laurels. There is much work to be done worldwide. With America quarantined in a diabetic coma, it is now time to focus on the rest of the world. Accordingly, here are our goals for the next decade:

We must continue to export American fast food around the globe. Thanks to efforts by our corporate agents at McDonald’s, KFC, Pizza Hut and Coca-Cola, the rest of the globe’s young people are beginning to look like losing contestants on “Dance Your Ass Off.” It’s only a matter of time before the trans fats and corn syrup work their magic on 2 billion fighting-age Asians. (By the way, our special-ops sushi team deserves a special shout-out. Have you noticed how sushi everywhere suddenly seems to be slathered in spicy mayonnaise? Yep, that was our guys! Kudos.)

Of course, American food can put the world’s armies on the couch, but we’ll need more than that to keep them there. We need good ol’, red, white and blue, slack-jawed lethargy. And for that we need video games. We once feared that violent war-themed games would add to the world’s military bloodlust. Quite the contrary, nothing parks a young person’s arse on the cushions like a good, old killing game. That’s why our agents at Microsoft, Nintendo and Electronic Arts are developing games for worldwide distribution that make “Call of Duty” look like “Elmo’s Number Journey.”

Our final strategy is still in the development stages, but we can now announce that it involves controlled substances and lots of them. We want every warrior worldwide to experience the simple joy known to teens across Appalachia: Nothing says All You Can Eat Buffet like an Oxycontin, a Xanax and a couple of bong hits.

For thousands of years, mankind has been searching for a way to truly know peace. Thanks to Project Obesity, we are closer than ever to creating that world. Thank you for your ongoing efforts to make this a corpulent and peace-loving planet. Good night, good luck, and peace through doughnuts!