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June 23, 2010

How to drive women wild

When German pharmaceutical giant Boehringer Ingelheim asked the Food and Drug Administration to approve its new Viagra-like drug for women, the Internet’s jabbering classes became obsessed with a topic not normally discussed on the Internet other than every single moment since its inception: How can we drive women wild?

So far, the FDA has refused to approve the drug, so until then, we are on our own. As a public service, we at LEO Labs assembled a blue-ribbon panel of distinguished scholars to examine the latest scientific research (including but not limited to the video catalog of Lady Gaga) in order to offer men and/or women the best tips to drive women wild. Here are their surprising recommendations:

First and most importantly, be nice. Apparently women like that. “Nice guys finish last” is so 20th century (the period Time magazine called “The Century of the Dick”), just like gulf seafood, mountaintops, illegal marijuana and public-school teachers. Also, play fair. Try not to whine. Exercise restraint. Display bravery — a “Nurse Jackie” marathon isn’t going to kill you.

Here are some more tips: Compliment haircuts, but don’t try to understand shoes. Observe the mistakes of others and avoid them. For example, in most major religious traditions, God is a dude. Hence the expression, “Whenever God closes a door, he also leaves up the toilet seat.” Don’t do that.

Also, wash off that Axe, Tag, Brut or whichever watermelon/patchouli spice is stinking up the place. Those products mess with your body’s natural pheromones, which are fascinating cartoon stink lines wafting off of you, making you seem way sexier than you really are. (Unless you’re disguising the fact that you don’t bathe, in which case spray away. Your chances of driving women wild aren’t good anyway.)

Keep current. Know a lot about a little and a little about a lot. Here are some topics to brush up on: predator drones, urine batteries, exoplanets, baba ganoush, string theory, the national debt, the geography of Africa, the controversy over the sexuality of Abraham Lincoln, the correspondence between Mark Twain and Charlotte Brontë, and the amendments to the Constitution (none of which grant equal rights to women).

Watch sports, but avoid bogus sports like auto racing, golf, competitive eating and poker. Learn some interesting facts. Here’s one to get you started: The world’s computer servers recently surpassed the airline industry as the biggest consumers of carbon-spewing fossil fuels. Imagine: All those blog posts, Facebook comments and news stories about global climate change are actually causing more climate change!

Here’s another one guaranteed to drive women wild: In her provocative cover story in The Atlantic called “The End of Men,” Hanna Rosin writes that for the first time in history, a majority of American workers and managers are women. Women now earn 60 percent of all master’s degrees, 60 percent of bachelor’s degrees, and half of all law and medical degrees. Apparently, the long-theorized but never-proven adage that girls rule and boys drool is more than just an old wives’ tale. (Old wives, meanwhile, are hotter than ever, Rosin reports.) Clearly, a major change is afoot and that foot is going to need to be rubbed.

By the way, this newspaper is no exception to the new workforce dynamic. LEO Weekly’s publisher, editor, creative director and hardest-drinking columnist are all women. Take that, Taliban and Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C.!

As Rosin notes, the rise of women into upper-echelon jobs also is opening up jobs in the home, which are typically filled by women. So no matter what kinds of careers women have, the rest of us will have more time on our hands to drive women wild. And one of the best ways to do that is to be funny. Here’s a joke you can use: Why did the man suddenly take up snuggling? Because he read the “End of Men” issue of The Atlantic.

Oh, also try not to condescend. True, you can effortlessly open a jar of pickles and pee your name in the snow, but any moment now some computer engineer (which, along with janitor, is one of only two fields still dominated by men) is going to create an app for that.

Finally, get in shape. In the future, men will be strictly ornamental. You’ll want to look your best.

Jim Welp is the author of “Summary of My Discontent – Constructive Criticism for Discerning Americans,” now available at Carmichael’s Bookstore or Amazon.com.