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January 20, 2010

Helpful hints for modern living

For a perfect cup of coffee, carefully measure 6 ounces of filtered water per 2 tablespoons of coffee from a country that doesn’t practice genocide or slavery. To disguise a hickey, wear a turtleneck or use Photoshop’s Cloning Stamp and set opacity to 50. To prevent your coastal cities from sinking underwater, try turning off the lights when you leave the room.

If your infant suffers from colic, avoid cow’s milk and ask your doctor about baby probiotics. If your child is surprisingly ugly, it could be that your partner hasn’t admitted to having had extensive cosmetic surgery before you met. To trick green fruits and vegetables into ripening faster, wrap them individually in newspaper. The extra heat speeds ripening, and you might just save journalism.

To avoid jetlag, drink plenty of water, avoid alcohol and try some stretching exercises. Despite these efforts, some people will still feel the effects of jetlag, but others will get blown up by terrorists. If your tween seems awkward on the Little League field, be patient. Rapid growth spurts cause some children to respond erratically to human growth hormone and anabolic steroids.

Try to keep a tidy workspace at the office. Is your desktop so cluttered you can’t even see it? To bring it into view, hold down your Windows key and press “D.” For constipation, try some black licorice or watch a Quentin Tarantino film. When you’re stuck in a traffic jam, sexting is a good way to alleviate boredom, but be sure to finish before you get back up to 75 mph.

Did you pack on a few extra pounds over the holiday season? Burn off those extra calories by getting plenty of sleep, drinking lots of water, and exercising vigorously with 45 minutes of biometric virtual-reality kickboxing or teledildonics.

Never chew with your mouth open on Skype. When Eviting friends to your barbecue, be sure to provide a comments section where guests can request raw, macrobiotic or nut-free dishes. Try to limit your Facebook stalking to no more than three of your former lovers at once. If you know your followers are primarily lesbians, tweet “LGBT.” If you know your followers are primarily gay men, tweet “GLBT.” If you know your followers are primarily bisexual, try not to sound jealous.

If you’re suffering from chronic pain, glaucoma, arthritis, anorexia, multiple sclerosis, lupus or symptoms from chemotherapy, enter “marijuana clinic” into Google Maps. For erections lasting longer than four hours, download “Going Rogue” to your Kindle. For streak-free windows, wash them using a solution of very warm water and white vinegar. Wipe them dry using newspaper. Your windows will shine, and you might just save journalism.

For good, old-fashioned fun, go to a sports bar and turn off their HDTVs using your iPhone’s Universal Remote app. Imagine: It’s third and long during sudden-death overtime and suddenly the TVs all go blank. You’ll cherish the looks on the fans’ faces forever, and they’ll chuckle five minutes later when they see themselves on YouTube.

In “The Art of War,” Sun Tzu advised: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” Follow his advice by friending people you hate on Facebook, following them on Twitter and posting virtual beers on their walls when their late-night talk shows get moved to new time slots.

To prevent wrinkles and frown lines, maintain a proper diet, exercise regularly, get plenty of vitamins and inject 0.5cc of botulinum toxin into your face. Although many people consider it old fashioned, some young people prefer to follow the traditional rules of dating, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly fine for the boy to hold open doors, pull out chairs and pay for dinner for the girl or other boy.

If you find yourself having recurring feelings of fear and anxiety, try deep breathing to slow your heart rate, lower blood pressure, improve circulation and make it easier to endure local TV news. Many people are able to avoid significant health problems using this breathing technique, while others will die because they can’t afford health insurance.

When using the telephone, it’s important to make a good first impression. Always use a brief, friendly greeting, such as, “Hello, this is Todd.” Refrain from overly casual greetings like, “Imonna hafta hit ya back, brah. I’m sexting on the interstate right now.” If you lost your home during the economic crisis and it’s cold outside, try stuffing your clothes with crumpled newspaper. You’ll feel warmer from the extra insulation, and you might just save journalism.