Welcome to Loserville
Remembering a year that should have been better
What do a failed summer music festival, a city agency notorious for harassment, theft and killing kittens, and hordes of hapless politicians have in common? Why they’re all losers, of course!
Reflecting on the past 12 months, LEO staffers uncovered countless contenders for this year’s list of failures, flops and fiascos. So as to not completely crush your spirit, we’ve narrowed it down and injected a dash of humor.
And remember, we criticize because we care. So if you find yourself on this list, the message to take away is simple: Do better.
WHAS-Radio Host Mandy Connell
We don’t expect much civility out of a radio host whose program precedes Rush Limbaugh, and Mandy Connell isn’t in the business of exceeding those expectations. The self-described “suburban redneck child” (whatever the hell that means) made a splash shortly after her arrival earlier this year, calling President Barack Obama “a young half-breed man” in what amounted to the funniest instant-backpedaling in recent memory. After issuing a weak on-air apology, it was discovered via her Twitter account that Connell probably wasn’t really sorry given her numerous inappropriate online screeds, including allusions to the KKK, unclear statements about “raccoon gangs” and their correlation to failing schools, and her declaration that she doesn’t care about being called a racist. Now ain’t that whistling Dixie?
Penance: Genealogist confirms African ancestry
Taking his love of the musical “Stomp” a tad too far, the former Rand Paul campaign coordinator cemented his fame in Kentucky political lore the moment his boot heel made contact with the head, neck and shoulders of MoveOn activist Lauren Valle. Since his debut, the Bourbon County curb-stomper has pleaded not guilty to a charge of fourth-degree assault, demanding instead that Valle apologize for, uh, injuring his foot, or something manly like that.
Penance: Subjected to wrath of the Derby City Rollergirls
Todd-smash! Lally is angry … and you won’t like the UPS pilot/failed congressional candidate/homophobe when he’s angry! Whether nearly standing up WFPL for an on-air interview, badgering The Courier-Journal’s editorial board, blocking LEO from his campaign’s Twitter account, or generally alienating even-tempered Louisvillians with his strange anti-gay rhetoric, Lally came across during his unsuccessful bid to unseat U.S. Rep. John Yarmuth as the belligerent and dumb faux-Tea Partier he really is. Let’s hope he hits the autopilot button if he has a freak-out at 20,000 feet.
Penance: Emceeing drag shows at The Connection
If we’re listening to someone ramble for 10 hours (and we’re only slightly exaggerating), it better be President Obama, not Ron Whitehead. The professor, Nobel Prize nominee and past organizer of RANT “Insomniacathon” music and poetry festivals redefined hubris in October, stepping onto the spoken word stage at Gonzo Fest and, for all intents and purposes, refusing to yield the floor.
We don’t know how they do it in Reykjavik, but Whitehead should move there soon, because the good doctor clearly has worn out his welcome, a couple of dozen microphones, PA systems, punctuation, the alphabet and English as a language. Here’s hoping that Hunter’s widow Anita Thompson doesn’t refuse a second visit, should this festival return next year (and it should). Give up, Ron. Give up.
Louisville Gas & Electric
A spoonful of coal ash helps the medicine go down: When they’re not trying to further pollute the city’s low-income neighborhoods with more soot, smoke and toxic coal ash, the coal-fired utility is making damn sure its customers aren’t getting their money’s worth. The company’s flawed billing system has resulted in thousands of unnecessary shut-offs, brown bills and pains in the collective ass as they reap the benefits of lax state environmental regulations.
Penance: Public ownership — booyah
BREAKING! The “news” station that can’t be bothered with checking its facts when politicians tell bold-faced lies has become an embodiment of all that’s not right with local media. In a shoddily reported story that ran during the election season, our FOX affiliate allowed Republican state Sen. Dan Seum, of Louisville’s 38th District, to claim he championed anti-bullying legislation in Frankfort when he actually voted against such measures. When confronted with this oversight, the story’s producer promised a retraction that never came, and the reporter (who shall remain nameless) played dumb.
Penance: Replace nightly newscast with “Kentuckiana Idol”
Lt. Gov. Daniel Mongiardo
After failing to best Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway in the Democratic primary, your lieutenant governor has decided to keep a low profile and embrace the level of invisibility we wish he always had. Two failed Senate campaigns, an addiction to anything that smells like coal, an embarrassing, foul-mouthed turn as Beshear’s No. 2, and (to top it off) a pissing contest over campaign debt that just may have alienated the conservative Demublicans Conway needed to prevent a Paulslide should, we hope, prevent Mongiardo from holding another public office until the end of time as we know it.
Penance: Power Eastern Kentucky homes via treadmill
Hundred-degree temperatures hurt attendance at HullabaLOU, but Churchill Downs’ expedition into the crowded vortex of summer festivals failed for other reasons. Before you call us a bunch of Forecastle-loving sycophants, know this: Ol’ Twin Spires isn’t a rookie at concert promotion. It effectively ignored past success with The Police and The Rolling Stones, thinking one act wasn’t enough. For what the track spent on artist guarantees alone, we could’ve watched three hours of Bruce Springsteen or U2.
Relevance matters; ’80s hair metal re-branded as country pop does not. Kenny Chesney fans accustomed to a $70 ticket price won’t drop $30 more to spend less time with him. And has Dave Matthews’ show changed since Farm Aid? A disjointed layout of multiple stages never made you feel celebratory, more like you were trapped on an unguided tour Huey Lewis just happened to be playing. HullabaLOU = B-list money pit unbecoming of an entertainment powerhouse.
Penance: Book Springsteen, sell cheap tickets
What happens when 138 liars, cheaters, coal-mongerers, fake Democrats, misogynists, homophobes, gun enthusiasts, would-be governors, anti-texting demagogues, nincompoops and erstwhile chickenshits gather under one roof? Why, you get the Kentucky General Assembly, which can’t even balance a budget without threatening to shut down the very government they represent. With Senate President David Williams eyeing the governor’s mansion, expect the already combative newfound Tea Partier to try every obstructionist trick in the McConnell playbook to thwart Gov. Steve Beshear’s agenda, which probably won’t amount to more than gambling-crazed jackpot politics. Either way, Kentucky, you lose.
Penance: Capitol building filled with scorpions, doors barricaded from the outside
Just when you thought the 981-mile sewer line, er, river known as the mighty Ohio couldn’t be any more polluted, think again: Environmental researchers have uncovered a nasty cocktail of pharmies, chemicals and narcotics in the body of water. Specific contaminants include anti-depressants, cocaine and veterinary hormones, which scientists suggest have resulted in the feminization of male fish. No word on whether said tranny fish are happier, swim faster and mistakenly believe they are more interesting than they actually are.
Penance: Downgraded to cesspool
Chief Robert White
Proving that if an individual can make it in Louisville, they can only make it in Louisville, Chief White will be retained by Mayor-elect Greg Fischer as the city’s top cop for reasons beyond our pay grade. After failing to land similar gigs in Chicago, Dallas and Atlanta, White’s popularity might stem from his wizardry with crime statistics and Microsoft Excel.
And then there are the rogue officers under his command who lock up innocent people, fail to show up in court, lie to their superiors, tip off suspects in narcotics investigations, steal drugs and other items from LMPD property rooms, beat each other up outside local bars, and generally Taze anything with a pulse — take a bow, good sir.
Penance: Chief of security at Oxmoor
Even in today’s economy, $90,000 can go a long way toward making a difference in the world: buying food for the needy, a tax-deductible contribution to a worthy charity. But if you are, say, Dismas Charities CEO Ray Weis, you might spend it on a luxury suite at the KFC Yum! Center so you can drink Cristal and watch the Cards with your rich friends. No wonder you wouldn’t have the time to pay attention to the inmates you supposedly rehabilitate while they’re banging government employees at the city’s animal shelter where they’re assigned to work. Running a charity is a tough job, after all … but squandering its resources on frivolous luxury items? That’s easy.
Penance: How about some actual charity work?
This tawdry faux-blonde felon makes the list for the second year in a row. First she bones Cards basketball coach Rick Pitino in the dining room of one of our formerly fav restaurants. Six years later, she attempts to extort tens of millions from him, and when that doesn’t work, she falsely accuses him of raping her and then threatening to bury her in concrete if she doesn’t abort their supposed unborn lovechild. Police determined those claims were untrue (A+ for creativity!), and a federal jury ultimately convicted her of extortion, lying to the FBI and retaliation against a witness. She now faces 26 years in the slammer, yet the shenanigans continue, with Sypher claiming there was a conspiracy to convict her; she’s calling for a special investigation into the matter, and is demanding the judge be removed from the case because of his ties to U of L. At this rate, she’ll likely land on our list again next year.
Penance: Starring role in “Caged Heat: The Sequel”
After getting publicly backhanded by Say No To Bridge Tolls co-founder Shawn Reilly for once again fudging facts about the $4.1 billion Ohio River Bridges Project, the chairman of the Build the Bridges Coalition decided to give Reilly’s employer a call. During said phone call, Nicklies allegedly asked Reilly’s boss to rein in his loudmouth anti-toll employee. The plan might have actually worked, had LEO not published an account of the bullying. Pesky reporters.
Penance: Must pay hefty toll to access own driveway
When push came to shove, our attorney general’s commanding jaw line, dimpled chin and devilish smile were no match for the Tea Party’s scion Rand Paul, who looks like the geek from an ’80s teen movie. Maybe that’s because flip-flopping on your supposedly liberal credentials, wasting money on self-defeating television advertisements, and obsessing about your opponent’s college years isn’t exactly a way to energize your base, much less tell the average Kentuckian what your views are.
Now forced to lick his wounds and beg for his own campaign debt retirement (a la Mongiardo), it appears the weakened Conway is vulnerable enough to lose his AG office. If you want a picture of failure, stare into this man’s beautiful blue eyes, which are likely tearing up as you read this.
Penance: Tied up, smoked out and forced to worship Aqua Buddha
Louisville Metro Animal Services
If there’s any one department of Metro government that best typifies the stubborn dysfunctionality of Mayor Jerry Abramson’s waning administration, it’s LMAS. Seriously: executing kittens without anesthesia, inappropriate sexual liaisons among workers, wanton sexual harassment, employee intimidation, misappropriation of city property, stealing animals for profit, and, finally, its James Bond-villain reject ex- director, Dr. Gilles Meloche … it’s more than enough drama to fill a series of sordid Lifetime TV movies.
Penance: Neutered without anesthesia
Teen Challenge of Kentucky
We thought this had been swept into the dustbin of history — along with the notion that the world is flat; that masturbation will give you hairy palms; and that Terry Meiners is actually funny — but the belief that gay people can be brainwashed into straight-hood has apparently made a comeback in 21st-century Kentucky.
Earlier this year, Teen Challenge of Kentucky’s plan to move its faith-based drug and alcohol recovery center into the Clifton neighborhood was met with resistance after its 10-page admission form revealed questions that included asking female clients if they are willing to recognize being a lesbian is a sin; if they masturbate, and, if so, how often; and whether they are willing to abandon being gay altogether. If they’re actually serious about this, then we’ll keep the liquor, drugs and porn, thank you very much, and you can keep the pious fantasy.
Penance: Employees forced to re-enact scenes from “Glee”
We really liked you, Vicki. As spokeswoman for the Kentucky State Fair Board, you always returned our calls in a timely fashion. You even arranged a sit-down interview with Arena Authority Guru Jim Host. Sure we’d heard rumors about past antics that suggested you were just a touch crazy, but who isn’t? Then came the shopping mall meltdown: While in line at JC Penney, you reportedly unleashed a string of profanities on a sales associate because she refused to give you a coupon. When the woman said she felt sorry for your children, you went ballistic and whacked her upside the head. You’ve since been fired and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault. The mall can make anyone lose their shit, but violence is never the answer.
Penance: Working for Jim Host … again
In the beginning, there was yoga. But the president of the Southern Baptist Seminary, Al Mohler, saw that it was bad, and on the fifth day of creation, he declared it was not Christian-like to breathe calmly, stretch one’s muscles and listen to latter-day Sting albums while in the pursuit of clarity of mind and body. Later that fifth day, Mohler declared that dancing, iTunes, empty uteruses, Twitter and the witchcraft of Harry Potter were also bad, and so — like the heathen yoga — must be plunged into the cleansing fires of hell, which Mohler created the next day between highly paid speaking engagements.
Penance: Body forever contorted in “Downward-Facing Dog” position
Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky.
In an alternate universe, Jim Bunning never left Major League Baseball, going on to win multiple Cy Young Awards without once considering a run for public office or offending anybody in the process. Unfortunately, we’re stuck in a universe where Bunning’s cancerous personality and political atavism were deployed to their fullest misuse in the United States Senate. The batshit legislator leaves behind a legacy of spitefulness, senile wrath and utter contempt for his fellow man that only got worse the longer he remained in office: Sleeping on the job, bitching about “little green men,” and screwing over millions of unemployed Americans so he can watch a UK basketball game are just a few highlights of a sad political career.
Penance: VIP card to Hell revoked, must remain in lobby for eternity
Metro Councilman Doug Hawkins, R-25th
The people of Louisville’s 25th District made history when they voted out this Howard the Duck-doppelganger. As the first elected member of the post-merger council to be ousted by voters, Hawkins’ fear mongering and petulance won’t be missed. His penchant for exaggerating cannot be overstated: Hawkins railed against the “threat” of Mexican immigrants, lambasted “Possibility City” advertisements for lampooning erectile dysfunction, and threw a bonafide tantrum over an ammunition storage facility in his district. The south Louisville Republican has earned a special place in the bowels of Metro government, if not a place in the heart of his perceived antagonist, outgoing Mayor Jerry Abramson.
Penance: Dress up as giant burrito to promote South End taquerias
Ohio River Bridges Authority
Forty years and several drunken benders later, all we have to show for our attempts to build new bridges across the Ohio River is the bumbling Bridges Authority, a handpicked cabal that is unaccountable to voters and charged with pulling a $4.1 billion rabbit out of a nonexistent hat. That they don’t see the trick is beside the point, as the “authority” has since abandoned any pretense of listening to the public, reality, or even the sound of their own voices. Given they anticipate missing their self-imposed Dec. 31 deadline to produce a finalized financing plan, they have managed to encapsulate nearly a half-century of inertia and shortsightedness in a fraction of the time.
Penance: Live under Spaghetti Junction overpass they seek to expand
If chickens could collectively organize, it’s doubtful they would join the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals given the nonprofit animal rights group has repeatedly failed to subvert the will of Colonel Sanders’ empire. After succumbing to Metro Louisville bureaucracy over a bid to erect a five-and-a-half-foot tall crippled chicken statue a block from the Kentucky International Convention Center, PETA was a no-show during KFC’s August chicken orgy that fried nearly 2,500 pounds of dead bird — a world record — at Fourth Street Live. If they’re so quick to give up the fight in the Fast-Food Capitol of North America, then what’s the point of paying Pamela Anderson to take off her clothes (aside from curbing appetites the world over)?
Penance: Wearing mink, eating beef
Passport Health Plan
Most criminals would find the prospect of stealing from the poor, the sick and the elderly too low to even consider — unless, of course, you’re a criminal working for the state’s largest Medicaid services contractor. In that case, stealing from those afflicted groups means luxury resorts, limousine services and whatever big bonuses you can squeeze from the taxpayer’s tit. Since the state auditor issued a report criticizing Passport for wasteful spending, the governor and other elected officials have postured themselves as defenders of the state’s most vulnerable. The whole scandal leaves us wondering how can we cash in on state-sanctioned theft ...
Penance: Paging Dr. Kevorkian...
Metro Councilwoman Judy Green, D-1st
Billed as an effort to teach west Louisville kids the meaning of “honest work,” a summer jobs program sponsored by the councilwoman left 140 teens unpaid for weeks after an internal audit held up their checks. It turns out the Green Clean Team didn’t sufficiently document a $55,000 grant from the city to fund the undertaking. In addition, 12 of Green’s family members were employed through the program, raising obvious ethical questions. Metro Police determined the city lawmaker wasn’t guilty of any criminal wrongdoing, but slammed the program as “extremely unethical in its design, control and completion.”
In an unrelated ethical lapse, Green went to bat for the chemical companies in her district’s swath of the polluted Rubbertown neighborhood earlier this year, equating environmental justice with a rise in utility rates. And we thought her 2009 crusade against the evils of sagging pants was shameless.
Penance: Hire an accountant … who isn’t related to you
Do not attempt to adjust your television set: Insight is fully in control. For those of you interested in an alternative to the city’s primary cable and Internet service provider, you might want to consider a) moving to another city, b) switching to satellite, or c) bleeding your retirement coffers by starting your own damn communications company. Metro Council recently tabled a franchise renewal agreement that nearly gave Insight the digital keys to the city, a move they made only after taking the time to do their job and review a 2006 city audit criticizing the company for a lack of financial transparency. As anecdotal evidence of potential rate gouging becomes more commonplace, might we suggest reading a fucking book for a change?
Penance: Paying your Insight bill
“BOOM! GET DOWN! GET DOWN ON THE FUCKING GROUND! HEY, YOU, OLD LADY! PUT YOUR DEADLY LAUNDRY DOWN AND EAT FLOOR! WE’RE LOOKING FOR YOUR SON… OH, HE ISN’T HOME? WELL… WEAR SOME FLEX CUFFS FOR A FEW HOURS WHILE WE FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS WE’RE DOING HERE EXACTLY… WHAT’S THAT? YOU WANT SOME? CRACK! THERE GOES YOUR KNEE, YOU OLD BITCH!”
“BANG! NOBODY FUCKING MOVE! LMPD! HEY, STRIPPER: GET YOUR CHOCOLATE BOOTY ON THE GROUND SO I CAN KICK FURNITURE AT YOU! MIRANDA RIGHTS?! WE’RE ABOUT TO MAKE IT RAIN PAIN UP IN HERE… IS THAT A SECURITY CAMERA? TURN THAT SHIT OFF!”
(If you’ve been lucky enough to hear LMPD’s G.I. Joe division scream these words at you, you’re probably reading this from a hospital bed.)
That the Louisville Orchestra would declare bankruptcy the same year it’s immortalized for originality makes for a poetic script. But it’s a script we’ve read before. In the documentary “Music Makes A City,” the organization is depicted much like it is today: financially strapped — only back then, they weren’t covering Led Zeppelin, “Lord of the Rings” or video game soundtracks. There are no illusions anymore: In a city with a substantially diminished manufacturing base and where sponsorship money is tight, orchestra tickets are a discretionary buy. We suggest the Louisville Orchestra launch a new marketing campaign like any recording artist does, re-release its works from the 1930s and a companion concert series. If the fingers stop moving, they die.
Penance: Pay your musicians
Gov. Steve Beshear
Just like your papaw, Kentucky’s sitting governor has a lot of outdated ideas that embarrass you in front of your friends. In this case, our “friends” are the other 49 states in the union that don’t subsidize creationist theme parks. If it isn’t his annoying hillbilly twang, his support of all things coal, or mortgaging the state’s future on the backs of phantom casinos, Beshear is disappointing those of us who believe in scientific fact by riding dinosaurs into the Old Testament sunset with the backers of Northern Kentucky’s Creation Museum.
To that end, if you’re among those who believe the Earth to be 6,000 years old, you probably don’t have any problems with his support of partially funding a Biblical tourist attraction with secular tax dollars in a state that isn’t exactly known for its high educational attainment.
Penance: Listening to Jerry Abramson’s insecurities for the next 11 months
Adult Entertainment Ordinance
Booty booty booty booty rocking everywhere? Not in Louisville: Your esteemed moral crusaders at the Victorian, err, Metro Council have succeeded in vanquishing the evils of nipples and vaginas for the benefit of consenting, god-fearing adults.
The ordinance — which is still under review by the County Attorney’s Office — was passed in 2004, deemed constitutional by the sexless Kentucky Supreme Court this fall, and will ban adult entertainers from performing fully nude, as well as prohibiting the sale of alcohol, lap dances, and customers from directly placing their crumpled George Washingtons into the sweaty G-strings of Louisville’s hard-working strippers. With all of these personal liberties being thrown out the window by big gubmint, where’s the fuckin’ Tea Party when you need them most?
Penance: The ordinance’s original co-sponsors — Hal Heiner, Madonna Flood, Bob Henderson and former councilwoman Julie Raque Adams — to perform striptease on Metro TV
Oldham County Voters
So let me get this straight: A Republican lackey violently accosts a reporter, and you guys go ahead and elect him magistrate? J.D. Sparks verbally and physically attacked LEO Weekly reporter Jonathan Meador at the Kentucky GOP’s Lincoln Day Dinner last year, an exchange caught on video. As a result, this rogue conservative pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and a judge issued an EPO to keep him away from our man. In turn, a majority of Oldham County voters deem him worthy of public service. Democracy = Fail.
Penance: Being served by a complete nutjob
Jefferson County Public Schools
In a school system where almost every child is being left behind, a frank conversation on the failures of JCPS — and the community at large — is long overdue. For starters, the district’s resources are stretched to the limit: Whether it’s providing services to 10,000-plus homeless students, a dysfunctional busing system that must cover the city’s sprawling neo-Jim Crow nooks and crannies, and taking the blame for the failure of local, state and federal governments’ lack of urban policy, JCPS officials are doing the best they can with what they have.
Still, the lax attitude of recently ousted Superintendent Sheldon Berman reflected a burgeoning idiocracy that blossomed in the form of a dozen failing schools, and is unacceptable by any measure. Now the question is: Will the Board of Education muster the courage necessary to fire bad teachers, call out politicians who cut funding, or (gasp) ask the kids what they think should be done?
Penance: Write “I will not fuck this up” on the blackboard as many times as it takes
LEO’s Old Digs (aka, Bisig Impact Center)
We won’t lie: We miss looking at (and smelling) the common rabble that populated our old stretch of Fourth Street, where we witnessed degenerates urinating right outside our first-floor windows on a regular basis. Even though our current location has been rocked by chalk-based, anti-ORBP vandalism, errant piles of shit at our door step (no lie, there), and air conditioning we’d call “petulant” at best, LEO’s new Main Street crib has a lovely view of Waterfront Park — and the multi-lane highway that trumps it — as well as a landlord who does as much to piss the mayor off as we do.
Sadly, the old place remains vacant, a sign of the city’s persistent economic troubles that not even nearby Fourth Street Live can alleviate.
Penance: Velocity moves in, fails to pay rent
Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky.
Even though he’s technically “winning” his battles against President Obama/basic human decency, Kentucky’s senior senator must contend with the fact that his entire legislative raison d’etre is to accelerate our species’ demise on this planet. No small feat, we suppose, if your ambition is to be the congressional equivalent of Lex Luthor’s less photogenic brother.
In the commonwealth, McConnell lost a little bit of his mojo when Tea Party scion Rand Paul bested his handpicked golden boy, Kentucky Secretary of State Trey Grayson, in the May primary. Since then, McConnell has been quite adept at assimilating the very memes (e.g. smaller government, fiscal responsibility, et al.) he’s spent an entire career shooting down. But any time this Muppet-faced creature of Washington gets his way — most recently with tax cut extensions for the nation’s richest — the rest of us lose handsomely.
Penance: Poetically reincarnated as festering boil on Karl Marx’s ass
Metro Councilwoman Barbara Shanklin / IPL
For the last two decades, Warren Jackel has bought dilapidated houses in west Louisville and then rehabilitated them for resale. But after Metro Council published a list of deadbeat landlords that mistakenly included his name, Jackel ended his revitalization efforts partly out of spite, partly out of exasperation. Instead of owning up to the mistake, Councilwoman Barbara Shanklin, D-2, who pushed the good-intentioned idea through the council, blamed the Department of Inspections, Permits and Licenses for the mistake. But that’s your local government for you — it can’t right one wrong without creating two in the process.
Penance: A public apology to Jackel is a start
Ear X-tacy owner John Timmons needed a publicist more than ever the week before Thanksgiving. His second plea for business, this time in the form of a YouTube video widely circulated (and criticized) on Facebook, came off exactly the opposite of what he probably intended: Timmons as a shameless panhandler.
And Timmons deserves crow over a comment he made in our Nov. 24 issue, when he said he was surprised by the reactions over what he thinks is “just a little record store.” In light of myriad comments on Timmons’ Facebook invite, that remark seems more than a little disingenuous. Love or hate ear X-tacy, it is not “just a little record store,” just like Timmons is not just another business owner. Other local businesses have voiced respect and admiration for him, and his status is elevated because of his position on the board of the Louisville Independent Business Association, a group that needs to reassert itself as an economic force. It can start by ditching that tired slogan, lazily expropriated from Austin, and draft a phrase that encompasses Louisville’s distinction.
Penance: Devise a business plan that does not involve begging
The Courier-Journal Editorial Board
When a study suggested tolls on an expanded Spaghetti Junction could reach $6 roundtrip, these pontiffs of pontification told us not to panic, suggesting we instead put our heads in the sand and trust “The Authority.” Not exactly an insightful analysis, but what can you except from editorial board member Keith Runyon, husband to Riverfields Mama Grizzly Mimi Runyon? In addition to ignoring realities of the Ohio River Bridges Project, the board’s endorsement of Greg Fischer mindlessly regurgitated empty rhetoric, giving him a pass his opponents did not enjoy. Chances are Fischer will be their new BFF now that Jerry is out of the picture.
Penance: Printer malfunction … oh, wait
In 2008, this award-winning WLKY news anchor made the list after he was caught driving drunk along Interstate 64 with an open container. Boel publicly apologized, took a few months off, and all was forgiven. Two years later, he was pulled over again, smelling of booze, slurring his words, and with a half-empty can of beer in the front seat. With a blood alcohol level of .207, he’s lucky all he got was another DUI. The station gave Boel the boot, and he checked himself into rehab.
Penance: Just get help
Yeah, you. You’re overweight, but you can’t stick to a diet. You’re undereducated, yet you pretend to be an expert after browsing Wikipedia. You voted for Rand Paul, even though you’re not a millionaire and are benefiting from state and federal programs that you can’t even name, and, speaking of names, you probably don’t even know who your congressman, councilperson or state representative is, but you think Barack Hussein Obama is a dirty Kenyan socialist. You breed like there’s no tomorrow, you drive your car to the Wal-Mart down the street, and save your meager intellectual prowess to debate last night’s episode of “Lame Ass TV Show.” Meanwhile, the world is growing more polluted, the gap between rich and poor increases, and all you care about is whether you got shortchanged on the levels of your Big Gulp soda.
Penance: Take a walk, read a book, eat your vegetables, think …