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January 5, 2011

LEO Weekly’s 7th Annual Not Good For Nothing Quiz

2010: Year of the Kvetch

“Only a good-for-nothing is not interested in his past.” —Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis

Welcome to 2011 or, as it’s known in China, The Year of the Vig. But before we spend too much time worrying how we’re going to pay back all that debt, let’s take a moment to sharpen our No. 2 pencils and see how much of last year’s number two we can remember. And what a year of achievement it was. Who would have thought a year ago that today we would no longer have to wonder what a meat dress looks like? Oh, and everybody got healthcare. And if that’s not awesome enough, consider this: An overwhelming majority of Toyotas came to a stop when their drivers stepped on the brakes. We’ve got 3-D TVs, electric cars and apps that let us wile away the day bludgeoning zombies on our smart phones.

And yet, despite this veritable paradise, Americans spent most of the year in a tizzy. If we weren’t marching on Washington or going all Cee Lo on each other, we were starting our own political parties just to complain that the rent was too damn high. And pity the poor Transportation Security Administration. It generously offered free airport hand jobs, only to face an ungrateful populace whining about getting its junk touched. There’s just no satisfying some people.

To be fair, there were a few events worth complaining about. There was the massive BP oil spill in the Gulf. And the Obama administration declared both the recession and the Iraq War over, but both raged on with no end in sight. And Tea Party Patriots opened up a can of hypocrisy and dominated the dialogue (if not exactly the polls) in November. Things got so ugly even Dora the Explorer sued Nickelodeon. Were you so busy complaining about the news that you forgot to pay attention to it? Find out here.

National and international news

1. What catastrophic event caused a massive oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico?

A. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was shootin’ at a friend’s face and up from the gulf came a bubblin’ crude

B. A faulty “blowout preventer” failed, allowing drilling to cause a deepwater oil rig to explode

C. Bureaucratic waste, fraud and abuse among energy oversight panels caused by President Obama’s socialist agenda

D. Halliburton’s “War on Ducks”

2. According to the Congressional Budget Office, what impact will President Obama’s healthcare reform law have on the budget over the next 10 years?

A. It will increase the national debt by $2 trillion

B. It will reduce the deficit by $138 billion

C. Who cares? Medical marijuana for everyone, dude!

D. It will bankrupt the country and turn our assets over to China, but on the bright side, they’ve got some ancient healing practices and herbal remedies that have demonstrated a proven track record

3. After falling into bankruptcy and accepting a $9 billion bailout in 2008, what notable accomplishment did General Motors achieve?

A. The Chevy Compost, the “world’s first automobile powered by poop”

B. Pledged to reduce its lineup of “ugly cars that nobody wants” by 25 percent

C. Raised $23 billion in the largest IPO in history

D. Promised to “heed the American public and never let Bob Seger sing that goddamn ‘Like a Rock’ song ever again”

4. In response to media coverage of a proposal to build a Muslim community center two blocks from the former World Trade Center site, what did Sarah Palin Tweet?

A. “Let’s be fair and balanced: It’s not a mosque nor is it at Ground Zero. And even if it were, so what? This is America”

B. “Don’t misunderestimate our knead to heel just because our president is a Muslim”

C. “Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate”

D. “Lamestream media gets it rong again. I sed I had a crush on Ted Nugent, not Ted Stevens, but he was hot too 4 sure!”

Match the newsmaker to the news:

_____ 5. Shirley Sherrod

_____ 6. Rahm Emanuel

_____ 7. Julian Assange

_____ 8. Michael Sorrentino

_____ 9. Jimmy McMillan

_____ 10. Martha Coakley

 

A. Reality TV breakout douchebag known as “The Situation”

B. Australian hacker and founder of WikiLeaks, a website that published hundreds of thousands of formerly classified military documents about the Iraq and Afghanistan wars

C. U.S. Senate candidate from Massachusetts who lost to a male model

D. YouTube sensation and New York gubernatorial candidate from The Rent Is Too Damn High party, who admitted he didn’t pay rent

E. Filthy-mouthed White House chief of staff who stepped down to become filthy-mouthed candidate for mayor of Chicago

F. USDA director forced to resign by the Obama administration after a right-wing blogger posted out-of-context video footage

11. What is PETN?

A. A splinter Tea Party faction known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Negroes

B. The latest teen-sex craze sweeping movie theaters nationwide

C. A highly explosive substance found on flights bound for Chicago in October

D. The first worldwide phone virus, which was unleashed by cyber-terrorists from China

12. What is “The Giving Pledge?”

A. A commitment by 40 of America’s richest robber barons to give away at least half of their fortunes

B. A leaked Obama administration plan to keep combat troops in Afghanistan until at least 2026

C. A Facebook group created by conservative Christian youths to engage in oral sex as a means to avoid intercourse before marriage

D. An online fundraising effort by Sarah Palin in advance of her 2012 presidential campaign

13. What event grounded flights throughout Europe in April, stranding millions of travelers?

A. Austerity measures put in place by right-wing governments in Greece, Great Britain and Germany

B. A crash caused by faulty accelerator pedals installed in hybrid jets by Toyota

C. A massive ash cloud caused by the eruption of the volcano Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland

D. A bomb attempt on a plane bound for Oslo by a full-figured terrorist known as the “bustier bomber”

14. Scientists warned that a chemical element critical to MRIs, LCDs, welding and fiber optics is dangerously close to worldwide depletion. What is this precious gas?

A. Queefyllium

B. Neon

C. PerezHilton.com

D. Helium

15. In a controversial speech she called “The Prime Rib of America,” what did Lady Gaga angrily denounce?

A. An Arizona law that gave police the power to detain anyone suspected of being in the country illegally

B. The bloodiest year so far in Iraq, despite President Obama’s declaration of an end to combat operations

C. The military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy

D. A new song by Eminem called “Pukin’ Yer Meat Dress”

16. After Republicans swept the November elections, what did Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell identify as the “single most important thing to achieve” on behalf of the American people?

A. “Jobs for all Americans, starting with hand jobs at the airport”

B. To “keep average Americans from realizing that President Obama has cut their taxes”

C. For the “richest Americans to get tax breaks in order to continue inflicting their decades-long nuclear wedgie on the poor”

D. To “deny President Obama a second term”

 

Local and regional news

17. Which of the following actions did Rand Paul not commit en route to becoming a senator?

A. Kidnapped a woman in college, tied her up, blindfolded her, and asked her to smoke marijuana and worship a bong

B. Created his own ophthalmology board and certified himself

C. Avowed that government should not force private businesses to enforce civil rights or disability laws

D. Killed a man in Reno just to watch him die

18. An August poll conducted on behalf of Insight Communications’ cn|2 revealed that only 14.5 percent of local residents favored what controversial plan?

A. A solid-gold, life-size commemorative sculpture of Mayor Jerry Abramson’s head atop the proposed Museum Plaza

B. A light-rail line running from Sen. Mitch McConnell to his conscience

C. Two new Ohio River bridges

D. A Yum! Center poster of Louisville coach Rick Pitino emblazoned with the word “Honor”

Match the ideologue to his betrayal:

_____ 19. Tyler Allen

_____ 20. Jackie Green

_____ 21. Rand Paul

_____ 22. Richie Farmer

_____ 23. Mitch McConnell

 

A. Tea Party darling who reversed his positions on farm subsidies, troop deployments and accepting money from the Republican establishment in order to get elected

B. King of earmarks who pledged to ban earmarks

C. Mustachioed small-government Republican, who took his staff on a taxpayer-funded Caribbean vacation, bought his agency 19 new vehicles, and wrote himself a check from his campaign fund

D. Independent mayoral candidate who dropped out and endorsed Democrat Greg Fischer in exchange for a nebulous role in his administration

E. Anti-establishment mayoral candidate who endorsed Republican Hal Heiner in the general election

24. A July study by the Ohio River Valley Water Sanitation Commission found traces of what unwelcome substances in the Ohio River at Louisville?

A. Bon Jovi, Kenny Chesney and the Dave Matthews Band

B. Antidepressants, hormones, insecticides and cocaine

C. Methamphetamines, bourbon and fried chicken

D. Rand Paul’s bong resin

25. In response to a Franklin Circuit Court ruling that two Kentucky laws were unconstitutional, 90 percent of Kentucky’s legislators signed what controversial proclamation?

A. Comprehensive educational attainment is elusive because “the smart ones move out of state”

B. There is “no evidence that burning coal causes global warming”

C. The “safety and security of the commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God”

D. That they would “totally blow John Calipari if he would only ask”

26. What batshit crazy thing did Southern Baptist Seminary President Albert Mohler say to miraculously top himself last year?

A. The lightning strike that destroyed I-75’s “Touchdown Jesus” was a sign that The Rapture was nigh

B. There are “some instances in which using a condom is appropriate”

C. Yoga is incompatible with Christianity

D. He had conducted a successful long-distance exorcism on the character Kurt following the controversial “Grilled Cheesus” episode of “Glee”

 

Media

A. Fired, B. Retired or C. Expired?

_____ 27. Helen Thomas

_____ 28. Rick Sanchez

_____ 29. Juan Williams

_____ 30. Louisville Mojo News

_____ 31. John Boel

_____ 32. Howard Zinn

 

33. According to a March survey by the Pew Research Center, 71 percent of Americans:

A. Believe most news sources are biased in their coverage

B. Get their news on their cell phones

C. Believe President Obama is a socialist

D. Have posted Facebook photos of themselves eating their boogers in traffic

34. In August, WHAS radio personality Mandy Connell got in hot water for:

A. Claiming that T. S. Eliot’s “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” borrowed heavily from Dostoyevsky’s “Crime and Punishment”

B. Arguing that the nihilism inherent in Gustav Mahler’s “Symphony No. 6 in A Minor” was a response to the anti-Semitism he witnessed as a child

C. Denouncing string theory as a means to reconcile quantum mechanics with general relativity

D. Calling President Obama a “half-breed”

35. With a combined 20 million followers, who are Twitter’s most popular Tweeters?

A. Ashton Kutcher, TheRealShaq and Oprah

B. UKCoachCalipari, Shakira and TheBarBelle

C. Lady Gaga, Britney Spears and Justin Bieber

D. 50 Cent, SarahPalinUSA and Conan O’Brien

36. Who said, “This is America. I don’t want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American. Then sliced by a Guatemalan, and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.’’

A. Sarah Palin, speaking at an evangelical “Women of Joy” convention at Freedom Hall in April

B. Stephen Colbert, in testimony before Congress on behalf of the United Farm Workers Union

C. Rand Paul, in a stirring stump speech about immigration in Western Kentucky

D. Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly, in an on-air scuffle with Eliot Spitzer

 

Arts and Entertainment

37. Which artist did not appear in the Yum! Center?

A. DJ Jimi Host and the Bloody Buckets of Bond-Endebted Exclamation Points!

B. Justin Bieber’s Hair, feat. Justin Bieber

C. My Morning Jacket, including an encore in which everyone in the band dressed up as Colonel Sanders

D. The fuckin’ Eagles

A. Dead, B. Alive or C. “Dancing with the Stars?”

_____ 38. Teddy Pendergrass

_____ 39. Bristol Palin

_____ 40. Gary Coleman

_____ 41. Dennis Hopper

_____ 42. Brandy

_____ 43. Barbara Billingsley

_____ 44. Jim Bunning

_____ 45. J.D. Salinger

46. What is “Nude, Green Leaves and Bust?”

A. A controversial environmental video by Miley Cyrus, in which the “Hannah Montana” star appeared nearly nude

B. A painting by Pablo Picasso that sold at auction in May for a record $106 million

C. An episode of “Weeds,” in which Nancy Botwin turns Silas over to the police

D. The media’s nicknames for Louisville’s three major mayoral candidates

47. Spot the fake reality show:

A. “I Want to Work for Diddy”

B. “Who Wants To Get Teabagged?”

C. “Worst Cooks in America”

D. “Who Do You Think You Are?”

E. “Neighbors from Hell”

48. Why did 14-year-old Caitlin Sanchez, the voice of “Dora the Explorer,” sue Nickelodeon for millions of dollars?

A. For making her talk to children as if they were brain-damaged puppies

B. For allegedly cheating her out of DVD and toy royalties

C. Her rent was too damn high

D. For a traumatic episode in which Dora was forced to smuggle drugs across the U.S. border and sing, “Backpack, Backpack. Backpack, Backpack. YEA! Delicioso!”

49. Who said, “Facebook just sounds like a drag … in my day, we had poking but it wasn’t something you did on a computer. It was something you did on a hayride, under a blanket.”

A. Sen. Jim Bunning, in a rambling speech at Fancy Farm

B. Betty White on Saturday Night Live

C. William Shatner’s character Sam on the Twitter-inspired sitcom “$#*! My Dad Says”

D. W. Va. Sen. Robert Byrd, on his deathbed in June

 

Sports

50. Who famously said, “I’m taking my talents to South Beach?”

A. Drag queen Hurricane Summers after a command performance with LaBoy LaFemme at The Connection

B. Basketball narcissist Lebron James, in a bizarre, hour-long televised announcement that he would join the Miami Heat

C. England footballer Robert Green after conceding a goal in a 1-1 tie with the U.S. in the FIFA World Cup

D. Pop singer Celine Dion, after being edged out for the title role in the movie Secretariat to a quarter horse named Copper Locks

Match the newsmaker to the news:

_____ 51. Gilbert Arenas

_____ 52. Armando Galarraga

_____ 53. Mark McGwire

_____ 54. John Isner

_____ 55. Brian Wilson

 

A. San Francisco pitcher who inspired a “Fear the Beard” slogan for the world champion Giants

B. All-star NBA guard who was suspended for most of the season for keeping a pistol in the Washington Wizards’ locker room

C. Freakishly muscle-necked, steroid-abusing slugger who finally admitted to steroid abuse

D. 6-foot-9 tennis star who won the longest match in history at Wimbledon

E. Detroit Tigers pitcher who melted hearts by forgiving an umpire for a blown call that cost him a perfect game

56. Who said, “It was remarkable. I just love the players when they listen?”

A. West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins, after his team knocked the University of Kentucky out of the NCAA tournament

B. Rap icon Jay-Z, after edging out Pope Benedict XVI on Forbes Magazine’s list of the “World’s Most Powerful People”

C. U of L basketball coach Rick Pitino, about sophomore guard Kyle Kuric, who scored 22 points to dominate No. 1 Syracuse in the Cards’ last game at Freedom Hall

D. Sen. Mitch McConnell, in an uncharacteristically unguarded moment after the GOP tricked millions of Tea Party members into voting Republican

57. Major League Baseball snubbed eventual National League MVP Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds when it announced its All Star rosters, but the slugger was redeemed by fans following what colorful campaign?

A. A pledge by Votto to lower taxes and reduce the deficit

B. A “Votto Friend We Have In Jesus” prayer service that made MLB reconsider

C. A bizarre episode in which Votto kidnapped teammate Jonny Gomes and made him pray to a bong

D. A “Vote Votto” T-shirt and Internet voting drive that landed him on the All Star team

All out of questions but just getting warmed up? Test your knowledge of 2005-2009 by taking five years of LEO quizzes in “Summary of My Discontent,” the book, now available at Carmichael’s Bookstore or Amazon. Or put the eBook in your iHole at lulu.com.