March 25, 2014

Fake Issue 2014

Dragon sightings rise as 17th smokeshop opens on Bardstown Road ... and more

Dragon sightings rise as 17th smokeshop opens on Bardstown Road
Louisville Metropolitan Police Department has issued a public service announcement instructing residents to stay indoors and away from windows in order to avoid death by dragon.

“We cannot downplay the importance of heeding the new dragon warning system we’ve put in place,” said LMPD spokesperson Alicia Smiley. “Stay inside. Don’t even leave for five minutes to get milk and bread. You will end up toast. Literally. We are talking about flying, fire-breathing dragons here.”

Experts believe the dragons were attracted to Louisville by the collective smoke of the 17 new smokeshops that have opened in the Highlands over the past three years. “We’ve been so focused on hookah and e-cigs and whether or not they cause cancer that we underestimated the threat of winged demons,” admitted Toni Ganzel, dean at the University of Louisville School of Medicine.

Asked for comment, the self-described mother of dragons and expert on mythical creatures Daenerys Targaryen just laughed. “I can’t believe you thought cancer would kill you,” she said. “Cancer doesn’t kill people. I kill people. Dracarys!”

 

LEO Fake Issue contributor totally thinks he could write for The Onion
Local information technology professional and blogger Jamie Fenderson, upon having his first LEO Weekly Fake Issue submission accepted after four years of trying, announced today that he could totally write for The Onion.

“I really think this is just the beginning for me,” Fenderson, 27, said. “I was sure LEO was going to accept my story last year that was titled, ‘Local nerd mistakenly thinks he is totally cool,’ but they went in another direction. This year, my work was finally recognized when editor Sara Havens emailed me and said one of my pieces had been accepted as an alternate.”

His 2014 submission, “Local ugly girl mistakenly thinks she is totally hot,” is about a local unattractive woman who is under the misconception that guys are constantly hitting on her.

Said Fenderson: “I think the moment the piece really comes together is when I quote the imaginary guy at Drake’s, saying, ‘I think she thought I was hitting on her, but I just wanted her to pass me a bar napkin. She’s not even hot, so why would I hit on her?’ At that point, you see the other side of the narrative, and the joke totally pays off.”

Fenderson sees the Fake Issue breakthrough as just the latest sign that his career as a satirist is finally beginning to take hold, with the goal, of course, being a gig as a regular contributor to satire site The Onion.

“The way things are going with the blog and now LEO, I really think writing for The Onion is a reasonable goal for me,” Fenderson said. “I totally think I could write for The Onion. And that means farewell to rebuilding hard drives forever.”

A check on Wordpress this week uncovered that Fenderson’s blog, “Things I Totally Think I Thought,” currently has 18 followers and once broke 50 page views in a single day on the strength of his post titled “10 Reasons Hipsters are Totally Lame.”

At press time, Havens, asked about Fenderson’s submission, said, “I’m totally not going to publish that shit.”

 

Mayor Fischer celebrates 50th anniversary of controlling his emotions
On Monday, Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer celebrated the 50th anniversary of his last emotional outburst. On March 20, 1964, the then-6-year-old Fischer erupted in a tirade involving a failed Etch-a-Sketch drawing of a house.

“It wasn’t really an outburst,” Fischer told LEO. “It was more of a heavy, spoken sigh. I’d really worked hard on that house. I drew the outline of the building and a nearly perfect chimney, but I blew it when I tried to draw the smoke coming out of the chimney. It looked more like a spider crawling out of a box. It was pretty hard to take. So I sighed, ‘Oh, bother’ — it was really more of a whisper — and I was immediately overcome with grief and humiliation at my egregious display of emotion. Heck, you can’t even spell ‘egregious’ without ‘Greg,’ I noted with a near-laugh.”

Fischer celebrated the anniversary with a series of low-key medium-fives with his family and co-workers, and then got to work on some Excel spreadsheets he’d been “looking forward to all week long.”

 

Okolona family on pins and needles as teen set to announce sexual orientation
The Weber family of 1606 Tulip Poplar Lane in Okolona is anxiously awaiting the April 10 announcement of the sexual orientation of family member Courtney Weber, 17. The anticipated announcement, which will be made on Facebook and Twitter, has the whole family buzzing with excitement. “Is our Courtney straight, gay, questioning? Is she androgynous, two-spirit or something else? Whatever she announces, we will be there to support our beautiful daughter,” said Barry Weber, Courtney’s father.

The notoriously shy-but-precocious Courtney announced the date ahead of time to “get my family to chill,” she said. “But to be honest, I figured by setting the date in advance, I could build some buzz for the eventual reveal, the way Apple does when they release a major product. It’s all part of my personal brand.”

 

Jennifer Carpenter upset after being named third hottest Jennifer from Louisville

Jennifer Carpenter is best known as the annoying sister on “Dexter” whose death ruined that once-awesome show, but she hopes Kentucky will soon remember her as a sexy woman you’d totally bang, if you could. The Louisville-born actress is making a series of appearances at Fourth Street Live in order to boost her sex appeal rating.

The move is a calculated response to a scientific study done by IU Southeast that named her the third hottest Jennifer from Louisville. To the surprise of nobody, Jennifer Lawrence took top honors with a hot factor of 9.78 out of 10. Carpenter earned a 7.6 on the hot scale, just below someone named Jennifer Miller.

“I want to be perfectly clear that I don’t think I should be first,” said Carpenter at the press conference announcing her upcoming appearances. “J-Law deserves the win, but I should be second. Who the hell is Jennifer Miller, anyway?”

Miller is a Sacred Heart Academy graduate currently working as a secretary for her father’s accounting firm. Upon hearing the news she’d been named the second hottest Jennifer from Louisville, she responded, “That’s awesome. Who’s Jennifer Carpenter?”

 

Sick fuck sits on edge of Ohio River hoping to spot dead bodies
Local man Rod Poynter, who takes an evening stroll each day from his New Albany home to the banks of the Ohio River to sit and enjoy nature, admitted this week that he secretly thinks one day he will see a dead body floating in the river’s turbulent waters.

“If you think about it, it’s really a matter of odds,” Poynter said. “It’s not that I would enjoy it — not at all. It’s sad to think someone would purposely end their sad lives by plunging themselves into the murky Ohio River, or to believe that someone up river, perhaps in Madison or Cincinnati, would kill a family member and dump the body into a place where it may never surface. But that kind of stuff happens all the time, and since I come down here most evenings, it’s only logical that I might be the one to find one of those tragic people.”

Insisting that his regular evening stroll is about “contemplation and self-reflection,” Poynter, a 38-year-old part-time cab driver, finds the sounds of the river rolling by him soothing and calming.

“Of course,” Poynter said, “this sense of calm would totally be interrupted if the bloated, partially dismembered torso of a woman in her mid-30s were to wash up on shore at my feet. That would be disturbing to anyone.”

Saying that he once became absolutely distraught and agitated at the site of a mannequin head floating past him, he admitted that the experience perhaps prepared him for when he sees the real thing.

“It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when,” Poynter said, wringing his calloused, shaking hands. “I’ve accepted that, and I am emotionally prepared for it. When it happens, I will cope and I will ultimately be OK. Now I just have to wait.”

Poynter said he also likes seeing how far out from the bank he can throw a rock.

 

Rand Paul pitches capital gains tax cut at West End rally
Speaking in front of a crowd of 13 enthusiastic supporters in Louisville’s Park Duvalle neighborhood, Sen. Rand Paul continued his recent outreach effort to win over African-American voters in the West End. While Paul’s past efforts focused on highlighting the injustice of the Drug War and disenfranchisement of former felons, his speech yesterday focused on another part of this policy agenda: eliminating the capital gains tax and lowering the income tax rate on the wealthiest Americans from 39 to 17 percent.

“You and I both know how frustrating it is when we see significant gains in our stock portfolio, only to have big government bureaucrats reach their hands in and take so much of what we worked so hard to earn,” said Paul.

In addition to tax cuts for the wealthy, Paul stressed that federal government programs providing job training, student financial aid, unemployment insurance and food stamps for low-income families should be dramatically cut or eliminated, arguing that they hinder people from realizing their full potential and only add to the national debt.

The Rev. Kevin Cosby was blown away by the power and inspiration of Paul’s message, telling LEO, “I felt for a second there like I was on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in 1963. I have a dream, too, that this great leader is one day in the White House, where he will fulfill Dr. King’s greatest hopes.”

Paul is scheduled to give another speech next week in the West End’s Rubbertown neighborhood — heavily populated with chemical factories — where he will advocate for the elimination of the Environmental Protection Agency and Occupational Safety and Health Administration.

 

Highlands man stoked about driving his Prius to Ikea
Josh Hayden, a graphic designer with the Society of Bohemian Conformists, is “totally stoked” about the prospect of driving his Prius to Ikea, should the Swedish furniture giant open a store in Simpsonville. Rumors about a possible Ikea in Simpsonville’s new Outlet Shoppes have the Bonnycastle Avenue resident “super excited,” he said. “I just LOVE my 2011 Prius, but I rarely get out of the city. It takes me, like, two months to use a whole tank of gas. An Ikea in Simpsonville would be the perfect destination.”

The idea for the road trip came to Hayden when he was dusting his vintage chifferobe using an old Tommy Hilfiger fleece pullover he’d bought in the ’90s when his mom drove him to the outlet mall in Columbus, Ind. “I have such great memories of that trip. And with my Prius hatchback, I could fold down the seats and bring home a festive Vardo underbed storage box and perhaps a Fintorp cutlery caddy. Ooo, know what? I might also pop into Farmer’s Supply and buy something ironic,” he added.

 

Calipari vows next year’s recruiting class will be ‘more mature entitled prima donnas’
University of Kentucky men’s basketball coach John Calipari, in the wake of a disappointing regular season that saw his team fall out of the Top 25 and end up as a lowly No. 8 seed in the NCAA tournament, vows that his next recruiting class will consist of “more mature entitled prima donnas.”

Calipari stressed he consistently brings the top recruits to the university, pulling heralded McDonald’s All-Americans from all reaches of the country, and that the 2013-14 version of the Wildcats sucked beyond all measure of hope primarily due to immaturity.

“They’re young,” Calipari said. “I can’t play the games for them. They’re 18, they’re entitled, they’ve been handed everything their entire lives simply because they can play a child’s game very well, and they really only give a damn about any of it because they want to cash checks next year with an NBA logo on them. How is this my fault?”

However, Calipari said he has decided to turn his recruiting focus on “prima donnas who have more wherewithal,” and possibly even toward finding a point guard whose head can occasionally be removed from lower regions the coach did not specifically name.

“I think we had the nucleus for a really good team of student-athletes this season,” Calipari said, setting off every bullshit meter within a 10-mile radius. “I like nothing more than to see my recruits succeed, and succeed they will.”

“And next year,” he added, “I’ll bring in a whole new nucleus for a really good team of student-athletes and hope they are a bit more mature.”

 

Massive sinkhole swallows Mitch McConnell’s money
A massive sinkhole opened up beneath Louisville’s Highlands neighborhood yesterday, swallowing Mitch McConnell’s money. The hole, which is 40 feet across and appears to be bottomless, has consumed both the senator’s massive $10 million campaign war chest, which he’d planned to spend smearing his political opponents this year, and his vast personal wealth of about $27 million. The money was all stored in the form of South African Krugerrand gold coins. No injuries were reported in the incident.

The loss could prove devastating to the senator’s re-election campaign, which might now have to focus on McConnell’s accomplishments in the Senate, if any can be found. If the senator defeats Republican primary opponent Matt Bevin in the spring, he faces Democratic challenger Alison Lundergan Grimes in the general election — an opponent many pundits consider “WAY better looking.” Historically, such a deficit in the looks department can be tough to overcome without millions to spend on false advertising.

The loss of the senator’s personal wealth is considered less problematic. That’s because the senator has “at least nine more months, worst case, of insider trading to recoup the loss,” according to campaign spokesman Jesse Benton. “You can be sure he won’t store his money in gold in the future — we’ll go with Bitcoins next time around,” said Benton.

 

La Grange family has to skip annual spring vacation due to cold-ass winter
Citing the polar vortex, La Grange husband and father Ted Small announced to his family that the annual spring vacation was canceled.

“Guys, I’m sorry, but the LG&E bill kicked your mother and I’s ass this winter,” Small told the gathering of children that included Avery, 8, Kyleigh, 6, and Cole, 3. “We won’t be able to take our usual long weekend in Destin this year.”

During the unexpected announcement, Small’s wife Monica grasped his elbow with both hands and squeezed gently in anticipation of her children’s hearts being irreversibly broken.

“It was the hardest decision,” she told a reporter later, upper lip trembling. “But our electric bill was $346 in January. And in February, it wasn’t much smaller. It really took a toll on our savings account.”

Mr. Small explained to the children that “Mommy and Daddy aren’t rich,” but then softened the crushing blow by adding that “we’re a family, and we’ll find a way to have fun together.”

Reactions were mixed. Avery, a third-grader who enjoys art class, said, “I wanted to go back to the T-shirt shop. They have so many funny T-shirts there! But maybe we can go next year.”

Kyleigh, a first-grader who has worn the same pair of jeans four days in a row, looked up from her handheld video game device and said, “I guess we can go next year if it’s not too cold.”

Asked for comment, Cole said only, “I have four Lego City cars.”

 

Rand Paul undergoes emergency pubes transplant
Sen. Rand Paul underwent an emergency pubes transplant Tuesday following a freak manscaping accident, according to spokesman Dan Bayens. Paul is resting comfortably after the one-hour surgery at George Washington University Hospital.

The senator was “doing some regular maintenance down there with an electric trimmer” when the accident happened, according to Bayens. “Everything was going fine — it was a routine grooming — when Pharrell Williams’ ‘Happy’ came on his Spotify. When the part came around where you’re supposed to clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth, the senator forgot he was shaving and began clapping, resulting in what can only be called a good old-fashioned dude-scalping.”

Rather than waiting for the skin and pubes to grow back, the senator opted for the transplant. “He’s got great insurance, so why not?” said Bayens. “Plus, he had the perfect donor pubes right on top of his own head, so it was win/win.” Bayens hastened to add that Paul wasn’t anesthetized during the procedure and was always in charge of his faculties and his duties as a United Sates senator. “As you know, the Senate doesn’t really ever do anything at all, so he could easily take a couple of years off and not miss anything,” he said.

 

Col. Sanders’ body exhumed in herb-and-spice investigation
Col. Harland Sanders’ body was exhumed Tuesday at Cave Hill Cemetery in what investigators are calling an “herb-and-spice investigation.” Sanders, who died at age 90 of what is believed to have been natural causes, is now the subject of an investigation by the Louisville Coroner’s Office, according to Coroner Barbara Weakley-Jones. Neither the coroner nor Louisville Metro Police would provide further information pending the outcome of the investigation.

The Colonel’s fried chicken recipe, including its renowned 11 herbs and spices, has long been one of the most sought-after trade secrets in the world, causing speculation that the Colonel might have met with foul play before his death. Some have also speculated that former Gov. John Y. Brown, who bought the Kentucky Fried Chicken chain from Sanders in 1964, might have slowly poisoned the famous restaurateur. Others have speculated that the chicken itself is slowly poisoning millions of people worldwide every day.

Company folklore includes a tall tale that Sanders liked to point to his genital area and say, “Would you like to see the secret spices?” Some new evidence might suggest the Colonel put a little bit of himself in every piece of chicken he fried. Results of the autopsy are expected within two weeks.

 

All jury duty canceled because everyone knows each other
The 240 potential jurors assembled at the Jefferson County Hall of Justice on Monday for a new session of jury duty were all dismissed when Judge Farnsley Oldham Pitino realized that everyone in Louisville knows each other. He stopped asking potential jurors, many of whom looked vaguely familiar, “Where’d you go to high school?” after he saw a pattern emerging of everyone either having gone to school with him or with his children at some point, or having played sports or in a band with someone else in the jury pool. The last group dismissed included some 60-odd Humana employees, who had all met at work and walked to the courthouse together.

 

Bored with blowouts, Yarmuth funds viable GOP challenger
Bored with blowing out a growing list of third-tier Republican challengers, Congressman John Yarmuth is putting his own money behind a new Super PAC to support a credible GOP candidate to run against him.

The PAC, Kentuckians Against Strong Awesomeness, received a $50,000 check from Yarmuth in the hopes it will encourage a challenger to enter the race in 2016 who can actually come within 20 percent of Yarmuth.

“It gets really boring to blow out the likes of Northup, Lally, Wicker and Macfarlane,” said Yarmuth. “Come on, is that really the best you can do, GOP? At least make me break a sweat — this is pathetic.”

 

McConnell carries Rand Paul above his head at Louisville Tea Party rally
At the conservative CPAC conference last month, Sen. Mitch McConnell entered the stage holding a rifle above his head, in what many observers called a shrewd move to win over a potentially hostile Tea Party audience. Last night, at a Louisville Tea Party rally, McConnell upped the ante with an even bolder gimmick.

McConnell entered the room carrying Sen. Rand Paul above his head with both hands to the rapturous applause of the audience, before placing Kentucky’s junior senator into the hands of Republican Councilwoman Marilyn Parker.

McConnell then promptly exited the room to catch a plane back to Washington, D.C., to attend a campaign fundraiser hosted by banking lobbyists who work for firms that received money from the 2008 Wall Street bailout.

 

Grimes admits to affair with lump of coal
In an emotional press conference Tuesday morning, Kentucky Secretary of State and Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes confirmed recent rumors by admitting to having a six-month affair with a 10-pound lump of bituminous coal extracted from the mountains of Pike County.

“I apologize to my husband and all of the people who have supported me in this campaign,” said Grimes. “But what I cannot apologize for is my deep and abiding love for this natural resource that is the backbone of Kentucky. Coal not only keeps the lights on in our homes, but also in my heart.”

Though some observers expected Grimes’ affair to hurt her among socially conservative Kentucky voters, an overnight poll found that the favorable rating of Grimes shot up 37 percent in eastern Kentucky.

A member of Sen. Mitch McConnell’s campaign staff told LEO on background that Grimes is making up the affair to distance herself from President Obama’s “War on Coal,” while also claiming that McConnell himself had a torrid summertime fling with a lump of coal when he was between marriages in the ’80s.

Grimes’ husband Andrew told reporters that this revelation was devastating for him, but he and Alison will stay together and work it out, adding with a sigh, “Hey, man, it’s Kentucky. What are you gonna do?”

 

Jeffersonville woman still talking about that time she went to Louisville
Jeffersonville resident Amy Lance is still talking about that one time when she went to Louisville, her friends report.

“She’s 24 years old, she lives in Jeffersonville, and she’s been to Louisville once in her life,” said childhood friend Nicole Barnes. “Seriously, Amy? I go all the time. I love her, but she’s got some sort of social anxiety or something.”

Former boyfriend Tad Davidson said of Lance, “Yeah, we went out for, like, two months, but I use the term ‘going out’ very loosely. Once, I asked to take her to a Louisville Bats game, and she said, ‘I don’t like the crowds over there.’ How does she know about the crowds at Slugger Field? Hell, the only time it’s crowded is on dollar beer night. This was a Tuesday.”

And yet Lance tells anyone who will listen about the time she “went into the city.” Lance reportedly accompanied her mother, who she lives with, to a specialist’s appointment downtown, after which the two “drove into the scenic Clifton neighborhood” for Comfy Cow ice cream.

“It was such a wonderful day,” Lance said, looking back with a wistful glint in her eye. “I only hope I get to experience it again someday.”

“Someday?” Barnes said. “I went over there on Thursday. Now there’s a Comfy Cow in Indiana; she may never leave her freaking zip code again at this rate.”

Barnes, a Clarksville resident who crosses the bridge “two or three times a month,” doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to go to Louisville, reasoning that “It’s just a river. I don’t get it. I have an aunt in J-town who hasn’t set foot in Indiana since 1977.”

At press time, Lance was wistfully posting pictures on Facebook of the Comfy Cow ice cream she had with her mother on that glorious day.

 

Survey: 88% of local Hooters workers have master’s degrees
Nearly nine out of 10 local Hooters workers hold master’s degrees, according to a survey conducted by The Journal of Breastaurants in February. The 88 percent rate is the highest rate nationally and leads all other restaurants in the category, including Twin Peaks, Tilted Kilt, Mugs ’n’ Jugs, Titty City and McAerolae.

Mayor Greg Fischer seized upon the news to underscore the city’s highly qualified workforce. “This is just more proof that we are making strides in preparing young people for the jobs of the 21st century,” he said. “Louisville’s workforce is better educated than ever.” The journal’s survey said the most common degrees among Hooters workers included linguistics, music, human resources and French literature, and noted that a Ph.D. in gender studies is now required for Hooters bartenders.

 

Clifton senior masters Time Warner remote control
Clifton senior citizen Hubert Swanson has mastered his Time Warner remote control, according to a message he shouted from his living room recliner on Tuesday. “Ha! I finally figured this goddamned sonofabitch out!” he bellowed. For years, Swanson had used only the remote’s “Ch Up,” “Ch Down,” “Vol Up” and “Vol Down” buttons, he loudly explained even though he was alone in the house. “Those were the only goddamn ones that made any fuckin’ sense whatsoever,” he barked.

But in recent weeks, Swanson experimented with the “Guide,” “Menu” and “Last” buttons to discover completely new ways of watching television. “The ‘On Demand’ button was the real eye-opener,” he said. “Now I can watch those ‘Duck Dynasty’ motherfuckers any time, night or day. You can’t beat that shit with a stick!” With his Time Warner remote control effectively mastered and subdued, Swanson said he’ll turn his attention to Facebook. “I’ve been wondering what the infernal fuck that is,” he said.

 

Yum! Center books State Auditor Adam Edelen to play in May
Over the past year, the KFC Yum! Center has hosted some of the biggest names in the country, such as Beyoncé, Justin Timberlake and Katy Perry. Today they announced that this May, one of the up-and-coming stars right here in Kentucky will play the arena: State Auditor Adam Edelen.

Edelen will come to the Yum! Center to audit the finances of the Louisville Arena Authority — whose construction bonds have been downgraded to junk status — as well as examine possible conflicts of interest by their board members with the University of Louisville, who extract an exorbitantly large share of arena profits.

The University of Louisville initially argued that a scheduling conflict would not allow Edelen to play the arena, but they were overruled by Kentucky’s state constitution.

“It’s definitely a first for us,” said LAA chairman Larry Hayes. “We certainly appreciate the young man’s talents, but we didn’t even ask him to come.”

 

Grimes blasts piece of coal in skeet-shooting incident
Alison Lundergan Grimes blasted a piece of coal to smithereens while shooting skeet at a campaign stop in Barefoot Holler yesterday. The senate candidate’s shot ricocheted off a clay pigeon and struck the lump of coal, which was being detonated out of a former mountaintop at the same instant.

“Hot damn! Now that’s what I call a two-fer!” said Grimes, who holds a slim lead over her opponents in the polls. “And that’s what you’ll get with me in the Senate: a two-fer. For one thing, you’ll have me as your senator. And for another thing, you won’t have Mitch McConnell.” The McConnell campaign quickly responded with 43 television commercials and a Twitter campaign called #AlisonKillsCoal.

Despite the political theater from both campaigns, the shot seemed to go over well with the patrons at the Barefoot Holler Diner. “That girl can shoot,” said Jimmy Cooter Chesterton. “I love a girl who can shoot,” added Junior Peters. When asked if he’d vote for Grimes, Peters said, “I’d like to hear more about her plan to reduce the regulatory burden on small businesses and her ideas about tax credits for research and development, but sure, why not? I do love a girl who can shoot.”

 

Market Street abortion clinic protester has moment of clarity: ‘Am I an asshole?’
Saturday morning, outside the EMW abortion clinic on Market Street, longtime protester Robert Calloway came to a striking realization that he may, in fact, just be a giant asshole.

“I had just followed this young woman from her car all the way to the clinic door, calling her a slut murderer who was going to burn in hell for eternity,” said Calloway. “And then this thought suddenly came into my head like a bolt of lightning: Maybe the reason I’m doing this is not out of concern for a fetus, but just because I’m a total asshole who hates women?”

Calloway told LEO he has no idea what the woman’s situation was, and therefore it might not be his place to judge her so harshly, as he’s never been in someone else’s shoes who has had to make such a decision.

“Maybe I need to go see a therapist so I can work out some of the issues I had with my mother growing up,” said Calloway. “I think I now realize that’s affected my relationships with and opinion of women throughout my life.”

Calloway said he plans to call all four of his ex-wives to apologize for being such a controlling, misogynistic dick to them.

 

One-armed Fern Creek meth lab owner sure he has ‘perfect recipe’ this time
Dale Darnell, who runs a meth lab in the shed behind his brick ranch rental house in Fern Creek, feels confident he has hit on “the perfect recipe” this time.

“Listen what, man,” Darnell said, “I had that last batch all wrong, and that’s why the back part of the shed caught fire. I fixed it. This one is the one.”

Citing increasing difficulty getting his hands on Sudafed — “especially the good stuff” — Darnell said he has turned to the “shake and bake” method, which is far safer than the formula and approach that unfortunately caused him to lose his left arm in 2009.

“My new recipe has a nice blend of ingredients that my customers will freakin’ love,” Darnell bragged. “Sure, there’s Sudafed, but I’ve added table salt, Prestone starting fluid, hydrogen peroxide, batteries and that stuff you put in your gas tank in the winter to keep your gas line from freezing.”

The new recipe, he said, is not only safer, but offers similar results to the old, more volatile formula. Also, he said, by minimizing the smell and number of small fires and explosions each week, he decreases the risk of his neighbors and local police discovering his secret recipe.

“It’s really become sort of an art,” said Darnell, wiping his running nose with, obviously, his dirty right hand. “The next batch I’m going to flavor with cinnamon. I might even add some lye or some formaldehyde for a little extra kick.”

 

Rustic Frog customer demands refund because strippers weren’t wearing frog pasties
A Corydon man is taking a beloved Indiana institution to court, claiming their advertisements are misleading. The lawsuit, which was filed in New Albany this week, revolves around Rustic Frog ads that regularly appear in the back pages of LEO Weekly. The ads consistently feature topless women whose boobs are covered by white circles with a frog logo.

“I thought those were pasties and that it was going to be one of those classy burlesque shows,” said plaintiff Todd Brown. “It wasn’t. It was full-on boobies.”

Management at the Rustic Frog has called the lawsuit “frivolous.” Though they did not respond to repeated LEO phone calls, an unsigned message on their Facebook page reads: “Management has talked to the strippers putting themselves through law school. They are certain the Frog did no wrong. We will fight this.”

Brown conceded that he did not immediately express to management that he was upset over the lack of frog pasties. “I’m not saying seeing nips wasn’t totally dope, but it wasn’t what was advertised, and that is, like, totally not legal or whatever,” he said. “I should get a free lap dance out of this, at least.”

 

JCPS: Snow days will be decided via social media
Following the sudden resignation of the administrator in charge of deciding whether to cancel or delay school, Jefferson County Public Schools has announced that all future decisions will be made via Twitter and Facebook polls.

“I would love to say we arrived at this decision because we are trying to be an innovative district that embraces technology, but the truth is, nobody wanted the job,” said superintendent Donna Hargens. “Believe me. We tried. We begged. Added perks. Raised the salary. None of the 57 candidates accepted.”

When asked if she would consider taking on the responsibility herself, Hargens laughed nervously and slowly backed out of the room.

Previously known as Michael Raisor, the administrator has since changed his name and is planning to relocate to New Mexico. “I’ve been told it doesn’t snow out there,” he explained. He asked that his new name be withheld out of fear that duPont Manual moms might still track him down and harass him for insight on what JCPS will do when the forecast suggests anything other than perfect weather.

“No answer was ever good enough,” he said, fighting back tears. “I’m glad they’re going with a democratic process. Let the horde fight among itself.”

When questioned why he did not give the customary two-weeks notice before quitting, the man formerly known as Michael Raisor quickly grew defensive. “Two weeks? Do you know how much weather this city gets in two weeks?”

 

Nachbar to begin holding Amish services every Second Sunday
Popular Germantown watering hole Nachbar will begin holding Amish services every Second Sunday. Services will include a sermon, scripture readings, silent prayer and hymns. Men and women will sit separately during the services, and excessive pleats in a bonnet will be cause for public shaming.

The unusual location for the services was the brainchild of local Amish men Samuel Hochstedtler and Jacob Whetstone, who said the Germantown congregation simply outgrew the Whetstone home, where Second Sunday services have been held since 2003. “Like the Amish themselves, the Nachbar prides itself on its humility, its lack of haughtiness and its rejection of individualism,” said Hochstedtler.

“It might sound unusual, but it’s the perfect location for Amish like us to worship,” added Whetstone. When asked to comment, Nachbar owner James Gunnoe said, “Wait, they’re Amish?”

 

Local woman still unsure about cleanliness of food trucks
Humana employee Naomi Dashon told co-workers today that while she thinks the many smells emanating from the line of food trucks next to Humana’s downtown riverfront offices are lovely, she simply doesn’t trust the purity of the food.

“Look,” she told co-worker Mya Daniels, “I’m not saying that Korean taco you’re eating doesn’t look delicious. And I can smell it from over here. But I feel much safer with my homemade tuna salad.”

Dashon’s hesitancy to try the varied, homemade wares the trucks bring each day stems from a news report she saw on TV. “It was the WAVE-3 TroubleShooter or that Dawne Fenton or somebody,” she said. “Anyhow, the whole thing was about how the food truck workers never wash their hands or their pots and pans. That’s disgusting.”

Offered a bite of a delicious-looking Booty’s Diner cheeseburger, Dashon furrowed her brow and shook her head, her lip curled slightly.

“Just ’cause it looks good don’t mean it is good,” she said. “I know if I go to McDonald’s, the food is good because they have that sign in the window with their health department grade on it. If it don’t at least say ‘90,’ I ain’t going in. These food trucks don’t even have that, do they? Uh-uh, no, thank you.”

At press time, Dashon was heard telling co-worker Alison Bagshaw that there was no damn way she would eat any lobster that came out of the back of some stranger’s trailer, saying, “Girl, that shit don’t flush.”

 

Liberal who disagrees with Matt Bevin on everything loves Matt Bevin
Highlands resident Matt Cunningham calls himself a liberal activist and hardcore Democrat, yet tells LEO that his favorite politician is a man who he calls a “Teabagger lunatic with no grip on reality,” Republican U.S. Senate candidate Matt Bevin.

“This guy Bevin is just another delusional crackpot like Sen. Ted Cruz,” said Cunningham. “Tea Party radicals like him are intent on driving America into another recession, driving us back into the 1950s on social issues and can’t offer any realistic solutions because they’re too busy calling Obama an un-American communist.”

Cunningham then quickly added, “I sure hope he gains some traction against Mitch McConnell in the polls. Hopefully a bunch of Tea Party groups start flooding the airwaves with ads for him. Maybe Sarah Palin will come here and stump for him. That would be so great. I’m rooting for Matt to pull this off.”

Taking another sip from his gluten-free latte at Quills, Cunningham said, “This McCarthyist idiot is so awesome, I almost wish I could switch registration so I could vote for him.”

 

Mayor Fischer yard signs simply read ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’
Expecting a vigorous primary and general election challenge this year, Mayor Greg Fischer’s re-election campaign ordered 50,000 yard signs last year that didn’t even have his name on it, instead containing the familiar “Keep Calm and Carry On” motto.

“We just kind of thought people would assume it was a sign for me,” Fischer told LEO in a soft, monotone and almost hypnotic voice.

However, with no viable challengers filing to run against him with a serious chance to win, one would assume that Fischer would not need to put out the effort to place all of these signs in yards. But that is exactly what Fischer plans to do, as he attempts to make “Keep Calm and Carry On” the new identity for Louisville, replacing the familiar “Possibility City” tag.

“There seem to be some people here in Louisville who believe that Metro government should be extremely proactive about problems like violent crime, vacant and abandoned properties, the finances of the Yum! Center, and all of the pollution in Rubbertown and the LG&E plants,” said Fischer.

Shortly after LEO dozed off for a few seconds, Fischer added, “That’s just the kind of thinking we should discourage as a city. Unless we’re talking about passing the local option sales tax or getting those tolls up on the new downtown bridge, everybody should just chill out and roll with it, you know?”

 

Sources: Councilman Jim King insists on being called ‘Godfather’
Sources in Metro government tell LEO that Council President Jim King is not only shrewdly winning over political allies to crush his enemies, but now is also insisting that his fellow Council members refer to him as “Godfather.”

Our sources say the councilman — who runs what is referred to as the “King Family” — has ruthlessly used his political power and financial pull with King Southern Bank to win over potential adversaries, by any means necessary. King has been able to forge a strategic truce with the historically combative Republican Caucus, while using a carrot-and-stick approach to win over Mayor Greg Fischer’s office, South End Democratic Council members and the county court system.

A person who prefers not to be named — in order to avoid retaliation — tells LEO that last month she observed Councilman Dan Johnson fearfully approach King and his capos sitting in the back room of Check’s Café in Germantown, where the King Family is thought to hold court. The source says Johnson bowed before King and kissed his ring, saying, “Don King, I’m in need of a low interest loan. I’ll do anything you ask, Godfather.”

Though there is no proof Johnson was the culprit, the following day Councilman David James woke up to find the head of the Louisville Bats mascot at the foot of his bed. James was suspected to be making power moves against King by gaining influence in the mayor’s office and South End — as well as wearing a wire for the FBI in conversations with King — but is now thought to be hiding out in Sicily.

Asked for comment by LEO about these outrageous charges, King answered, “Don’t ever ask me about my business.”

 

Jim Bunning’s doctor says McConnell’s electoral troubles have added 20 years to his life
Dr. John Lancaster, physician of former Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning, said he thinks Bunning’s life expectancy has suddenly increased by 20 years, simply because of the reaction he’s had to Sen. Mitch McConnell’s electoral troubles over the past year.

“It’s really kind of a medical miracle,” said Lancaster. “Jim was having serious health issues over the past few years, but the amount of schadenfreude he’s received from McConnell’s poll numbers has served as a wonder drug. He’s like a new man.”

McConnell forced Bunning out of his re-election race in 2009 by pushing in his preferred candidate, Trey Grayson, citing Bunnings’s low poll numbers. Asked for comment, Bunning went Bunning.

“Ooooooh … poor Mitch!” yelled Bunning to LEO. “Such a shame he’s facing all of this blowback from the Teabaggers he tried to court, and his approval ratings are worse than mine ever were. Once Grimes kicks his turtle ass, I’m going to chug a bottle of bourbon and piss on that sad sack of shit’s political grave!”

Bunning then laughed uncontrollably for five minutes, until he passed out.

Though Dr. Lancaster fears Bunning’s health could deteriorate if McConnell wins re-election, he suspects that the schadenfreude of a McConnell loss may allow Bunning to live to see the age of 130.

“It’s like his immune system feeds off of hate,” said Lancaster. “It’s stunning, and slightly scary.”

 

Shelbyville a net exporter of mail-order brides
For the first time in its history, Shelbyville is a net exporter of mail-order brides, according to the Kentucky Cabinet for Economic Development. For the past century — as far back as records go — the small Kentucky city was one of the region’s largest importers of brides, mainly to serve the lonely farmer population. But that trend began to change a few years ago, driven by a burgeoning Chinese economy and that nation’s “gendercide,” where males outnumber females by as many as 60 million, according to some estimates.

The solution: stout-hearted, corn-fed women from America’s heartland, including Shelbyville. “Once we got a taste of that sweet Shelbyvillian lovin’, we were hooked,” said Li Huang of Xian. “I guess it’s like they sing in Shanghai, ‘When you get woman from Kentucky, you are honored to have future characterized by very much joy and carnal pleasure.’” Kentucky officials hope the trend will expand to eastern Kentucky, where mail-order-bride exports could provide an economic boost to the region’s shrinking coal economy.

 

Portland neighborhood’s first gelato stand to completely revitalize area after decades of economic neglect
At a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Mayor Greg Fischer, the Portland neighborhood’s first Italian ice cream stand opened to much fanfare, with promises to revitalize a historically neglected area, which, as one of Louisville’s poorest areas, stands to gain the most from a western front of East End-driven gentrification.

“Who wants ice cream?!” bellowed Fischer at a throng of confused, hungry onlookers. “Decades of impoverishment and virtual political disenfranchisement can be made palatable one scoop at a time with organic, fair-trade, coffee-toffee confection.”

Known as “gelato,” the creamy substance is poised to remake one of Louisville’s poorest neighborhoods into a mecca for wanton feel-good liberalism and utopian idealism, said Kerry Stemler, chairman of Greater Louisville Inc.

“We’re very excited about the possibilities that a delectable blend of frozen sugar and cream will have on overturning nearly a half-century’s worth of segregation and economic atrophy,” Stemler said.

NuLu guru Gill Holland was also in attendance for the opening, choking back tears as the first venti-cup of marbled chai-sassafras root gelato was served to Portland resident Penny Isaacs.

“Mmmmmm,” Isaacs said, clutching a plastic spoon. “It’s delicious, but the nutty undertones won’t bring back my son, Terry, who was murdered in a drug-related shooting just down the street. I don’t know if he knew what the fuck chai was, but if he were alive, he’d love it, maybe.”

 

Kynect enrollee fears missing out on life experiences
Jane Roberts — a 36-year-old breast cancer survivor who previously was denied health insurance for her pre-existing condition and faced bankruptcy due to her expensive medical bills — finally was able to sign up for affordable coverage this January through Kynect, Kentucky’s new health insurance exchange made possible by the Affordable Care Act.

However, despite her newfound sense of ease that she won’t be forced into bankruptcy again — and now has free cancer screenings and the ability to regularly see a doctor for checkups — Roberts told LEO that she’s afraid she’ll be missing out on certain life experiences.

“Going through bankruptcy, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to decide whether to pay for food or the electric bill … those are really the kind of challenging experiences that build one’s character,” said Roberts. “I really learned how to pinch pennies and balance a budget when I was sick and in debt, but I’m just worried that life is going to be a little too easy and I’ll start to become too complacent.”

Roberts had previously gone long periods of time without seeing a doctor because she couldn’t afford it, saying she had developed a “live each day as if it’s your last” mentality.

“With this great health insurance, I could easily live to be 80 years old,” said Roberts. “But now I’m probably just going to go home after I get off work, sit on the couch and watch TV. It’s kind of sad, when you think about it. Thanks a lot, Obama.”

*These stories are part of LEO Weekly’s Fake Issue.

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