July 17, 2007

Rumor & Innuendo

Caddyshock. A rumor floating about the golf world concerns the biggest schmuck in the sport. And he’s not even a linkster. Steve Williams has used his lucrative role as Tiger’s club carrier to foster a major ’tude. Rumors are he’s leaving the golf messiah’s side. Williams denies it. But a source advises that indeed this will be his last year walking the fairways with His Tigerness. Which insignificant gossip does provide opportunity to segue to the greatest golf soliloquy ever. Ladies and gents, Carl Spackler in “Caddyshack”: “So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald ... striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one — big hitter, the Lama — long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga ... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the 18th and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, ‘Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.’ And he says, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.’ So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”Sooey pig Buffalohog. Heard the one about Arkansas jumping from the SEC to replace Colorado in the Big 12? Don’t give it another thought. I have no idea what’s up in Boulder, but here is a sure thing. The Razorbacks ain’t goin’ nowhere. The SEC provides better competition against geographically desirable opponents, and, most important, mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.The calendar. Only 59 days until U of L-UK kickoff. (Oh, that’s right, they each play before that. Sorry.) And 87 days until basketball practice begins.