December 21, 2007

Ballz: Sports Commentary by c d Kaplan

Can we get a medic?Where’s the M*A*S*H unit when we really need it? The homies are wounded, hardly walking for heaven’s sake, let alone ballin’ like they should.Oh, that’s right, Hawkeye and Trapper John are off playing golf, those scoundrels. Well, here’s hoping they get back quick. They’d better. Hot Lips needs help. Send a copter for them.Otherwise, March Madness be March Sadness ’round here. Word. So I turned on the telly the other night. There was the star frontcourt stud sitting on the bench with nary a drop of sweat on his brow. No, not David Padgett or Tello Palacios, a duo I’d just seen cheerleading at the Hall.It was Wildcat Patrick Patterson joining Derrick Jasper on the Big Blue infirmary list on the same day Jodie Meeks finally got the all-clear to play. The B-ball Deity with a sick sense of humor figured there was an empty bed on the ward. Is this an epidemic or what? Call in Disease Control.The Cats are hurting. The Cards are hurting. Even Eric Gordon up in Hoosierland had to sit out a game — the Big Game in Kentuckiana, December Edition — with a bad back.Yes, that’s Dickie V in the last bed on the right. He’s also been under the knife. Who’s providing medical care around here? Those wackos from “Scrubs?” He may be nuts, but we need House in the house. Now. Let’s get these playahs off the pine and between the baselines.UK was a less than glossy 4-5 after it stumbled in Houston; U of L only slightly better off. God bless Tennessee Tech, Florida International, San Diego, New Mexico State, Morehead, Iona and Cincy. If it weren’t for these holiday sweet treats, both Blue and Red would have more Ls than Ws on Jan. 5. CBS would be looking for reruns to show instead of Cats v. Cards, the Big Game in Kentuckiana, January Edition.Dr. Kildare perhaps. Or Marcus Welby, M.D. While we’re talking old school, maybe the Bluebloods can resurrect the Baron to find the cure in Lexington. He’d surely conjure up the right prescription. His shorthanded roster notwithstanding, Billy Clyde’s had the shortest honeymoon since … well … since that of the new football coach at the rival school. Gillispie’s AD is pissed at him. The boosters are pissed at him. Now that his pool has closed for the winter, even the Lexington ladies are MIA.So is any sense of offensive or defensive coherence when the Wildcats take to the hardwood.It’s only marginally better here in the ’Ville. It sure seems Chad Millard down low might be a better sub option than that really nice kid who ought to be playing in the Ivy League. Lorenzo Wade (14 ppg at San Diego State) or Bryan Harvey (13 ppg, 5 rpg at Fresno State) could deepen an all-of-a-sudden thin Cardinal roster. Then again, the “Grey’s Anatomy” crew would help more.All we ask for Christmas are healthy wheels for Patterson, Jasper, Padgett and Palacios, an alarm clock for DC and the antidote for Billy Packer when he comes to call the big one on the 5th. Contact the writer at cdk@culturemaven.com