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January 18, 2006

What a Week

And it’ll be kinda flat and watery
Just as Papa J predicted, Foregone Conclusion Arena in downtown Louisville will cost $50 million more than previously estimated. The $349 million project is still projected to pay for itself, but officials warned fans that once it opens, a large beer at a Cards game would cost about $1,283.

Devolution
Risking the wrath of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (www.venganza.org), Gov. Fletcher endorsed the teaching of “Intelligent Design” in Kentucky’s public schools. Because state law already allows it but local schools overwhelmingly don’t teach it (because it’s a retarded heap o’ lawsuit bait), the endorsement was widely viewed as a blatant suck-up to the Christian extremists who want to control the state, your children, your afterlife and the real estate inside your pants.

Kentucky wasn’t born yesterday
For the fourth year in a row, the American Lung Association gave Kentucky straight Fs on its tobacco report card. On the way home, Kentucky changed all the Fs to Bs and then swiped some smokes from Mama and Daddy and smoked them out behind the garage. (And then coughed up a piece of lung, but whatever.)

Emperor’s chicken
The King of America popped into town to preach to the local choir, which asked probing questions like, “Why are you so great at promoting freedom?” and “How did you get so good at fighting terror?” King George nailed his shopworn lines about how Saddam equals al-Qaeda and how tax cuts equals prosperity and how failing to fund education equals No Child Left Behind, then averted his eyes from citizens (including hundreds of protestors) and flew to New Orleans to avert his eyes from their citizens and describe what a great job he’s done with the hurricane cleanup.

Ozone defense
After 30 years of sorta trying, Louisville now meets the national standard for reduction of smog. Thanks mostly to federal restrictions on power plants, local ozone levels are now within federal guidelines, which should help Louisville attract businesses that employ people who breathe. Despite the great news about ozone, Louisville still faces other significant air-pollution problems, including particulates, toxic chemicals and sports radio call-in shows.