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December 28, 2005

What a Week

Commandments posted, broken
A federal appeals court upheld Mercer County’s right to display the Ten Commandments in its courthouse, ruling that the commandments are part of a historical display and show no religious intent. The good people of Mercer County celebrated the victory by breaking the coveting, false-witness, stealing, adultery, parent-honoring, Sabbath-keeping and the-Lord’s-name-in-vain-taking commandments. In the event that any death-row prisoners turn up, the Mercerians also reserved the right to kill. They were all pretty much cool with the one about not worshipping other gods, though.

It came upon a midnight clear
In an epic budget battle in the U.S. Congress, guns busted a cap in butter’s ass. The $600 billion 2006 spending bill gleefully turned over the treasury to the Pentagon, including a tidy payload for shokkenaw efforts by local butter-bandits Raytheon, BAE systems and the cheeky, iPodish-sounding “McConnell Technology Training Center,” whose name suggests it might train Stan, that dweeb in your company’s IT department, to disinfect your Windows registry but actually works on making warships more potent. Where did the dough come from? You guessed it: education, social programs and desperately needed projects like a UK rural-cancer-detection program and Father Maloney’s Boys’ Haven, which, let’s face it, hasn’t really been pulling its weight in the war on terror.

Unrepresentin’
The Kentucky Supreme Court ruled 5-2 that neither Republican Dana Seum Stephenson nor Democrat Virginia Woodward could represent the 37th District as its Senator, the former because she’s a cheater and the latter because she’s a loser. Woodward lost the 2004 election to Stephenson, who, after closer inspection, turned out to be a Hoosier. The senate seat has been vacant for the entire year and neither side is calling for a new election. After looking at their own state senators, the citizens of Kentucky’s other districts shrugged and said, “Ach, we should all be so lucky.”