April 11, 2006

What a Week

You’ve got blackmailUpset with the General Assembly for failing to legalize casino gambling, Churchill Downs CEO Tom Meeker threatened to move the company to a larger city. During a wide-ranging hissy fit, Meeker stressed that the track itself would always remain in Louisville, but that the corporate HQ and its employees might relocate. In a scene reminiscent of the Reagan era, company officials later pointed at their ears with a circular motion, downplayed the CEO’s comments and said there are no plans to move.Study: Bears poop in woodsIn the “Gee, ya think?” study of the decade, U.S. Centers for Disease Control researchers concluded that American children are getting fatter. The survey showed that more than one-third (as in: ONE-THIRD) of kids ages 2 to 19 are chubsters who face a future of diabetes, heart disease, cancer, uni-brows, bushy ear hair, spontaneous mooing, uncomfortable seats on airplanes and gentle, constructive criticism from wiseass alternative-newspaper writers. Perestroikin’ it richContinuing its mission to export the abovementioned afflictions around the globe, Yum Brands hooked up with a Russian chicken chain to open Moscow’s first KFC outlet. The restaurant is the first of 100 such ventures in Russia, all of which will soon be boycotted by Pamela Anderson. Asked about the extra crispy, extra greasy, extra hormones, extra capitalist, extra once-tortured drumstick he’d just eaten, a Russian diner said, “Annh, it’s better than the beet nuggets I was planning to eat.”Zealot WatchThe Southern Baptists are at it again. Caught in the Christfire this time: public school kids. The issue: godlessness in public schools. Robert Parham, executive director of the Baptist Center for Ethics, took Baptist leaders like Louisville’s Albert Mohler to task for “bear false witness against public schools,” which is Bible-talk for “liar, liar, pants on fire.” Mohler has called for his flock to prepare an “exit strategy” from public schools because they teach evolution and condone homosexuality and welcome everybody and try to make the world a better place, which is no way for evangelical Christians to act. Speaking at a meeting of the Kentucky Education Association, Parham praised public educators and encouraged Baptists to “call for the highest standards and make sure that society equips schools,” which sounds suspiciously like WJWD.BY JIM WELPjimwelp@gmail.com