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January 31, 2006

What a Week

What a Week

Mayor 4ever
Mayor Jerry Abramson formally launched his campaign for reelection (campaign slogan: “What part of ‘Mayor For Life’ don’t you understand?”). Although the mayor refused to discuss his plans beyond this year’s elections, rumors have been widely circulating that he plans to eventually run for Mayor For Afterlife as well.

Self-fulfilling moniker
Anita Johnson, a worker at an Adair County juvie center, was acquitted of having sexual contact with one of the center’s boys, despite the fact that her name really, truly is Anita Johnson.

Pho-nay bolo-nay
Speaking of humorous names, Charles Boney, the stonily staring half of the alleged comedy/murder team Camm-Boney, announced plans to legally change his surname to Erectile (pronounced “Erecti-LAY”). OK, that’s not true, but he was convicted of three counts of murder and faces life in prison without paro-LAY.

Piece o’ asphalt
When What a Week wrote in December about local plans to pave the Ohio River, we didn’t expect it to get under way so fast. But last week a barge carrying 19,000 barrels of asphalt got the paving project started by dumping part of its cargo into the river. Before you know it, it’ll be easier than ever to drive your Durango over to that big bass-fishing store to pick up some night crawlers.

This is a stickup
The former president of the Frazier Historical Shootin’ and Stabbin’ Museum was charged with defrauding the arms shrine out of $1.75 million by overcharging for weapons, including ones formerly owned by con-artist Buffalo Bill and notable cross dresser J. Edgar Hoover. Federal agents arrested Michael K. Salisbury and his wife and charged them with multiple felonies, but admitted, “Ya gotta admire the cojones on a guy who’d steal from an outfit that has more ways to kill you than a Texan Sunday-school teacher.” (And a note to Doug Proffitt: Learn the difference between Owsley Brown and Owsley FRAZIER.)

By jim welp
jimwelp@gmail.com