May 2, 2006

The Official LEO Derby Survival Tout Sheet:

LEO: Giving Louisville the Finger since 1990When it comes to wagering, most Derby visitors think of the card at Churchill Downs as the main event. But there are lots of other events worth handicapping at Derby time. For instance, which celebrity is most likely to bare his ass? How many puddles of vomit will you have to sidestep during Derby Week? And when will the exact moment come when you'll run screaming from the whole Derby experience, crawl into the fetal position and weep softly into your Early Times Gato Del Sol decanter?  As usual, LEO comes to your rescue. Just use our handy LEO Tout Sheet, and you're sure to survive the most outrageous moments of Kentucky Derby 132.FIRST RACE: The Celebrity Dumbass StakesWhich star will act the biggest fool?HORSE COMMENTTommy Lee — Porn-rocker shares name with '59 Derby winner; always a chance of the pants coming offJohn O'Hurley— Dancing with the Stars star could put the Hurl in O'HurleyPam Anderson— PETA ho threatens to boycott Derby over KFC cruelty; local outrage drowned out by starlingsJohn Goodman— Perennial fav to rock the mike, blow doob in Barnstable bushes with ZZ TopTerry Bradshaw— Always a chance of the pants coming offNick Lachey — Can he alone fill stupidity vacuum left by absence of Jessica? Sure he can.Tori Spelling— Could lash out when asked by horse, “Why the long face?”Rick Pitino— Too inexperienced; should be ready next yearSerena Williams— Puts the backside in … um … the backsideJai Rodriguez— Stricken with Derby Fever, could fall hetero heels in loveWin, place, show: Rock, Goodman, O'HurleySECOND RACE: The When-Will-I-Get-Sick-of-the-Derby-Festival? HandicapFor some, the tedium never ends.HORSE COMMENTThunder Over Louisville— Annual “bird” to birds and environment makes explosion- and war-lovers all warm, fuzzyPegasus Parade— Giant gas-filled balloon entertains - but there's more than just Willard ScottGreat Steamboat Race— Honest-to-god race, just like our electionsChow Wagon— Local color: coach's shorts, halter tops, neo-mullets, always a contender Run for the Rose'— Cliché wrapped in a cliché makes fans want to stick foot out, trip serversDerby Festival Marathon— John Belski in tiny shorts always a crowd-pleaserGreat Balloon Race— Enough hot air to rival Kentucky General Assembly, could trick meteorologists into interrupting regular programmingDerby Festival Basketball Classic— 13 months of basketball a year never enoughDerby Festival Spelling Bee— No, reallyKentucky Derby— Oh, right; there's a horse race, tooWin, place, show: Thunder, Chow Wagon, I Was Sick of the Derby in JanuaryTHIRD RACE: The Who-Is-Most-Likely-To-Make-You-Throw-A-Julep-At-The-TV? JuvenileTurn on the TV and get ready to roll your eyes!HORSE COMMENTJohn Asher— Charming Derby trivia-meister somehow manages to knot the tie.Terry Meiners— Human corn machine took Ethanol Derby prep race by 27 lengthsDoug Proffitt— Camera adds 10 pounds - to his HEADKen Schulz— Look for him to snap during the day's 748th weather updateDan Fogelberg—  Soft rock anthem played over cheesy footage of romping foals helps you nearly forget jockeys use whips Melissa Swan— Down a shot of Wild Turkey whenever she grabs her hatVicki Dortch— Can smile while smiling, even in the mudBob Domine— Last outing, tripped over own exuberance, fell in the stretchJames Zambroski— Anti-Dortch aims to turn that frown upside downCindi Sullivan— Look for her to challenge Dortch in fake-smile stretch runWin, place, show: Meiners, Fogelberg, DortchFOURTH RACE: The Myriad-Ways-To-Get-Sick-Or-OD Turf ClassicSo many substances; so little timeHORSE COMMENTUndercooked burgoo— Not as fun to puke as it is to saySeeing Yum logo at Churchill Downs—  Slap at tradition almost as greasy as their foodHot Brown— Like a blood transfusion, except with crude oilJim Beam shooters— By fifth race, horses spin around you even when they're standing stillYear's first extreme sunburn— Goes well with Benedictine and bourbonHenry Bain and vodka jello shots— For a whimsical touch, say “Worcestershire” while vomitingKentucky Bibb & Ecstasy salad — Admire the leaves; marvel at the forkKentucky Chocolate Pecan Lawsuit Pie— Call it by its real name and Kern's will have to kill youMint julep— Sweeter than Cindi Sullivan on a Roundup bender, twice as toxicWin, place, show: Julep, Jello shots, BurgooFIFTH RACE: The Cleverly-Smuggled-Contraband DistaffYou put it WHERE?!HORSE COMMENTZiploc bag o' Beam duct-taped to genitals— Pubic hair-of-the-dog a frat-boy favGrain alcohol syringed into watermelon— Heavy load could be too much to carryFalse bottom cooler— Watch your case of PBR go into the DumpsterBuy Churchill Downs, change rules— Could be cheaper than buying drinks insideBody cavity hidey hole— Once inside, “Does this smell skunky” jokes become tiresomeFake boobs full of Makers— Girls Gone Wild video crew at the readyHollowed-out loaf of bread— Peanut butter, jelly, Cutty Sark a risky playTomy Lee's bladder— Good bet if you're willing to drink his peeWin, place, show: Duct tape, Syringe, Hidey HoleSIXTH RACE: The Derby Week Price-Gouge StakesSuch a deal!HORSE COMMENTParking in homer's yard near Downs— 364 days of the year, a mudhole; one day a year, solid goldBottle of Dasani at track— Maybe a good bargain in Dan Seum's LouisvilleDerby week lap dance on 7th St. Rd.— Even the ugly ones cash inBeer and wiener at Churchill Downs Not so steep when you consider dog'll be in your colon for decadesNickel bag of bluegrass— Stuff doesn't grow on treesFree Derby issue of LEO— Worth every penny even at twice the priceCentral Avenue hooker— Don't forget to include antibiotics in total outlayGame of pool at 4th Street Live— Rack(et) 'em upAdmission to infield— A bit steep for prime spot in vomitorium with no track viewCarryout box lunch from local restaurant— Pretend you're in an airportWin, place, show: Infield, parking, LEOSEVENTH RACE: The Weirdest-Item-Found-During-Post-Derby-Cleanup Classic Just be glad you're not out there with a Hefty bag.HORSE COMMENTDayglo Condoms— Colorful stretch run likelyYarmuth for Congress sign— Has collectible written all over itPiles of former burgoo— Gore-Tex boots a mustHey, a huge tootsie roll!— Oh. Never mind.The Gospel of Judas— Judas Winn, that is, Matt's degenerate brotherWMD— Sucker bet, 'specially if your name's Colin PowellBob Costas' je ne sais quoi— Fits neatly in dustpan, yet so palpableErnie Fletcher's political skills — Hiding under “Hope,” also discardedAmerican Dream— Trampled in the stretchWin, place, show: Tootsie Roll, Condoms, WMDEIGHTH RACE: The What Will Churchill Downs Do With Big Boxy Casino-Makeover If a Gambling Bill Isn't Passed? StakesCan't move it to Vegas; can't go back to a grandstandHORSE COMMENTPermanent storage for Tom Meeker's ego— Solves two problems; may require additional wingWorld's Largest Ten Commandments monument— Final peace offering to General AssemblyVacuum tubes to Caesars Indiana— Hey Hoosiers taxpayers: seize this!New, weirdly shaped art plaza— They're very in nowMove downtown and convert to hoops arena— Idea stumbles out of gate after too many location studiesHolding pen for rounded-up immigrants— While inside, could do jobs nobody else wantsConvert to Wal-Mart Superstore— Bound to happen sooner or later anywayArea's newest mega-church— Spires convert to cross easilyScrape off paint and place on Kennedy Bridge—  Don't give Transportation Cabinet any ideasGalleria '07!— Finally, new home for wig shops!Win, place, show: Wal-Mart, mega-church, Commandments monumentNINTH RACE: The Most-Over-used-Kentucky-Derby-Cliché StakesAnd really, what is a good cliché, if not over-used?HORSE COMMENTRun for the Roses— Odds-on favorite to be stripped to thorns by 9 a.m.Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports— Day's 1,438 other minutes? Not so much.The Sport of Kings— King Ralph, maybeMy Old Kentucky Home— They can't get married, but 'tis spring, people are gayA day at the races— Unless you're talkin' Marx Brothers or Queen, shut the hell upTalk Derby To Me— Your dam's a mudderNeck and neck— Glass-half-empty version: butt and buttPhoto finish— We'll have that JPG for you in a GIFDown the stretch they come— Wait, are we talkin' racing or porn?First Saturday in May—  Handy shorthand good bet for the calendar-impairedGettin' Lucky in Kentucky— Getting' old everywhere elseWin, place, show: Roses, Getting' Lucky, Talk Derby