March 30, 2011

Fake Issue: Bar Belle a party crasher

Have you ever had one of those nights that ended up completely different than what you expected? Have you ever crashed a party and realized you knew no one, but the drinks were flowing, so you stayed anyway? That happened to me a few years ago when I ended up at what I thought was a frat party …

You see, my friend Erik told me about this guy who had magical powers — he could turn water into wine. Skeptical yet curious, I had to see for myself. Word on the street was he was having one last party before he had to move away or something — I never really found out where he was going. Erik gave me the address but then bailed on me at the last minute to meet friends at the Uptown Café. I’m a social person — and I love wine — so I decided to go anyway.

Nervous in new situations, I chugged a few Zimas (am I aging myself?) and headed across town. I found the house and anxiously knocked on the door. This dude named Judas answered, and after I explained that Erik sent me, he smiled and welcomed me in. “It’s so cool you came,” he said. “It’s all guys at the moment — I hope you don’t mind. Keep this on the DL, but Jesus is a little pissed at me, so I’m keeping my distance. Don’t want to ruin the party and all.”

Judas led me to an upper room where the familiar bass beats of Biggie’s “Hypnotize” were pounding. He was right — 12 dudes and this guy named Jesus. Erik must have left out the detail about the toga party, but hippies like me, so I knew I’d fit in fine. It was a little slow at first — they were in the middle of dinner and all.

“I hope I’m not interrupting y’all,” I said. “I brought this bottle of Evian so you wouldn’t have to dirty a dish.” Just then, Jesus winked at me and grabbed the bottle from my hand. In mere seconds, the clear liquid turned a deep red hue — my water was now a merlot!

“Jesus Christ, dude!” I exclaimed. “You are awesome! Can I keep you in my pocket?”

He smiled, sat back down at the table and proclaimed, “Tonight we’re gonna throw down!”

After a few rounds of truth or dare — I made Jesus walk on water at the same time he turned it into wine — we snacked on some bread, which the boys dipped in their drinks. “I don’t like soggy bread,” I told them. We all agreed Soggy Bread would make a good band name. Jesus must have had a good buzz going — he offered to wash my feet, which I thought was a pick-up line until I saw him doing it to Peter and Paul. Whatever floats your boat or parts your sea, I thought.

As the sun came up on our soiree, I figured it was time to leave. Most of the guys were passed out.

“Are you OK to drive?” Jesus asked.

“I think so … can you reverse the process and change this back into water?” I said. Just then, Jesus put his hands on my shoulders and closed his eyes. I felt a warm rush come over me. I was suddenly sober.

“Holy shit, man. Thanks!”

I gave Jesus a fist-bump goodbye and wished him luck on his journey. I’m sure he’s out there somewhere, entertaining frat boys with his silly tricks. Jesus rules.

Sober Texts of the Week

• Happy Birthday, homo!
• On my way. Overslept.
• That game made me pee myself ... seriously!
• How I Met Your Mom is new tonight, yo