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February 10, 2010

Bar Belle: St. Valentine vs. St. Patrick

Battle of the saints

Love can make you green; too much beer can turn your nose red. And that’s about where the similarities of St. Valentine and St. Patrick stop. So who is the superior saint? Who dispenses the most joy? Who would you rather be sitting next to when your number is called? Here’s a brief look at the virtues and vices of both holidays.

•St. Valentine:

Primary Color: Red

Primary Symbol: Heart

Primary Mascot: Cupid

Primary Emotion: Love

Primary Food/Beverage: Chocolate

Primary Company: Lover

Primary Actions: Exchanging gifts of love notes, flowers, chocolate, etc.; dating; swapping spit

Primary Offenders: Singles

Primary Beneficiaries: Hallmark, fancy restaurants, flower shops

Primary Downside: Unnecessary expenditures

Primary Upside: Getting laid

Primary Analysis: Love does indeed hurt, as the Nazareth song professes. For every fool in love, there’s a lover scorned. St. Valentine offers up a holiday only a handful of the population can enjoy — sappy, googly-eyed couples and children. For everyone else, it represents a reminder of what they don’t have or what they have lost.

 

•St. Patrick:

Primary Color: Green

Primary Symbol: Clover

Primary Mascot: Leprechaun

Primary Emotion: Joy

Primary Food/Beverage: Beer

Primary Company: Friends

Primary Actions: Drinking green beer; eating Irish delicacies like bangers ’n’ mash and beef stew; wearing green

Primary Offenders: Teetotalers

Primary Beneficiaries: Bars, manufacturers of green food dye

Primary Downside: Hangover

Primary Upside: Getting laid

Primary Analysis: Participation in St. Patrick’s holiday is in the eye of the beer holder. He calls on his disciples to eat, drink and be merry. There’s no obligation to participate, other than an occasional pinch if you’re not wearing green. The memories and green-beer stains will last a lifetime.

 

Drunk Texts of the Week

•“Does everyone in the Highlands own a dog?? Or has it been raining frozen dog turds??”

•“I’m gonna flood this place with upper cuts”

•“These refs are like dogs at a park, they feel like they need to leave their mark on every play”

•“He talked my pants off!” 

Read my daily reasons to drink at barbelle.leoweekly.com.