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August 22, 2012

Bar Belle: Hot for teacher

Believe it or not, I loved college — and not just for the extracurricular activities. I loved learning about new things, I loved sitting up front and engaging with the professor, I loved the routine of getting up for class and doing my work so I could play at night. I was a journalism major, so my classes were never too tough (read: no math was involved). Instead, most relied on an exchange of ideas, a discussion of those ideas, and finally, the essay test I managed to B.S. my way through.

Every August, I get a tinge of jealousy when I hear it’s back-to-school time. So in an effort to join you lucky college kids, I’m going back to school in this column — as a professor. I also get to pick what I’ll look like — so let’s take Kelly McGillis’ hot Navy instructor character from “Top Gun,” mix her with Streisand’s sexy therapist role in “The Prince of Tides,” lop off 15 years, and give it a whirl.

This week’s topics include the Kentucky State Fair and hangovers, class. Please pay attention, there might be a quiz. And here’s the syllabus. So grab one, and I’ll see you on finals day. For the rest of you who want to get what you pay for, let’s begin.

While at the fair this weekend, I heard three of the most ridiculous things ever uttered by a non-Kardashian: 1) “She’s a Christian, but she loves Journey,” 2) “Today’s cupcake decorating contest is on the theme Health & Wellness,” and 3) “You have to be careful not to boil their brains” (said Farmer Bob about the process of removing a goat’s horns). Let’s discuss.

Can you be a Christian and a fan of Journey at the same time? I suppose it depends on your denomination — but I’m pretty sure Jesus was a Steve Perry fan. Or maybe not — he did give his voice away to an Asian who is more than half his age … and gets along with Neal Schon. Maybe there’s just too much lovin’, touchin’ and squeezin’ going on for some uptight Christians — but if they wanted to repurpose “Don’t Stop Believin’” as their new motto, they can battle the Scientologists for it, I’m sure.

The second statement is an example of organized stupidity. What part of “cupcake” says “health” or “wellness”? What were the winning designs? A clogged heart? The 50 chins of Honey Boo Boo Child’s mother? Like the Ke$ha name-drop in a “True Blood” episode, what were they thinking?

Unfortunately we won’t have time to discuss the third statement, but I will alert my good friends at PETA. Now, onto hangovers … There are no known cures for hangovers other than not to drink — and who wants to do that? You just have to weigh the pleasure with the pain and decide which side of the scale you’re able to cope with. A good definition for a hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn’t.

I’m not here to provide you with back-alley remedies that only work for the ass-hole who swears he found a cure. I’m gonna give you a list of what to avoid to make your hangover stay more comfortable. It’s just one of those things in life you have to trudge through — like periods, taxes, Thanksgiving with the family, and “American Idol” auditions — to get to a better place.

When hungover, it’s best to avoid: roller coasters, planetariums, bungee jumping, a serious talk with a friend, serious talk, grocery shopping, action films, the sun, swings, calling your parents, children, calling your parents children, heavy lifting, malls, cleaning, exercising, creativity, rehashing last night, regret, apologizing, figs, cigs, road trips, and Republicans.

You can, however, enjoy soda, greasy food, ice cream and sex. Because I, Professor Bar Belle, say so. And to whoever left that hard apple cider on my desk, you get an A.

Bar of the Week
I’ve always loved the space that used to be Jillian’s on Barret, and now I’m happy to report Diamond Pub & Billiards (630 Barret Ave.) has finally opened it back up to fashionable beer drinking and debauchery. They revamped the inside, adding a shitload of TVs, refurbishing the 20 pool tables, and adding live music rooms inside and out. The prices are reasonable, the bar and beer selection is incredible (I counted more than 25 taps), and the food is delicious (try the beer-battered chicken tenders). It will definitely be a great place to watch football this fall.

Drunk Texts of the Week
• Shes like a noodle … straight until wet
• Who added liquor to my alcohol?
• Gayle is my mud flap
• I was olfactorily assaulted at the show by a dwarf

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.