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September 24, 2013

Bar Belle: The Czar Belle reigns

I genuinely believe that if I ruled the world, things would run a whole lot smoother. I mean, I probably won’t volunteer for the position — I’m sure it involves working later than 5 p.m. and going to meetings and shit. Who’s got time for that and happy hour? But I’ve been making a list in my head in case I’m ever called upon to rule the world. I’m gonna share it in hopes that I inspire you to write your own. It’s fun, empowering and a lot cheaper than therapy.

Other than the obvious — ridding the world of cancer, world hunger, poverty, heart disease, disease in general, aging and Justin Bieber — here is what I’d do if I was The Czar Belle.

I herby declare the following to be banned:

Military time (You shouldn’t have to do math to tell time.)

Watches and clocks with hands (See above.)

Taxes on beer

Doing your taxes

Crappy series finales (And you must get my permission before killing off main characters in all television shows, except for “Duck Dynasty” and “Big Brother.”)

The law against alcohol in parks

Grumpy bartenders

Loud cell phone talkers

Migraines

Grumpy cats

Cover charges

Cellulite

Laws against dogs in restaurants and stores (Dogs are people, too.)

Ghosts (All paranormal activity will be rounded up and relocated to West Virginia, which will no longer be a state.)

Scary movie previews (If I have to leave my light on one more time after accidentally watching horror film commercials, I will ban them altogether.)

Cucumbers (Unless they are for pickle production.)

Loud motorcycles (I know the size of your log by the loudness of your hog.)

Math (Except for bankers, accountants and Fantasy Football scorers/analysts)

Periods

Outlet malls that aren’t really outlet malls

Twerking (Not the act, just the term: It will be referred to by its original title: The Jersey Turnpike)

Skinny jeans

Hangovers

Traffic

Grumpy drivers

Vegan cheese

Texting (Pick up the damn phone and reacquaint yourself with tone.)

Spitting in public (Especially the kind that involves phlegm.)

Snapchat (You send something and it disappears after a minute? How are we ever gonna blackmail again?)

Grumpy baristas

Twitter (I don’t need 140 characters to say, “It’s stupid.”)

Scotch

Wearing socks with sandals

Warm beer

The Kardashians and those who love them

Overcharging on beer (Domestics should never be more than $2. Think about that when analyzing bucket specials.)

Overcharging on gas

Grumpy columnists

Vegetable gardens (All vegetable gardens will be converted into beer gardens.)

Howie Mandel

Kickstarter (I’m confused: It’s equivalent to busking, but you have to pay the person before they sing?)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Social media after 6 p.m.

A bar or clothing store without specials

Expensive airfare

Grumpy drunks

Vanilla ice cream

 

Drunk Texts of the Week
• I don’t like soccer; I like to touch balls with my hands
• Let’s sign up Cahoots for Bar Rescue!
• If it dont come easy, you need a better grip

Send your drunk texts to shavens@leoweekly.com. My blog is at barbelle.leoweekly.com. Word.