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January 22, 2008

Welp’s Louisville: Keep them yanks, hippies and homos on the run

SKYHOOK minutesMinutes of the Society to Keep Yankees and Homos Out of Kentucky Jan. 16, 2008 meetingMeeting called to order at 7 p.m. by Chairman Beshear. Previous meeting minutes approved. Chairman’s report:It’s been another great year for SKYHOOK. We’ve got the yankees, hippies and homos on the run. By calling for education cuts of as much as 12 percent across the board, we believe we’ve dissuaded countless yankees and other hippie trash from entering the commonwealth. By gutting our universities’ research capabilities, raising tuition, cutting student financial aid, reducing scholarships and letting infrastructure crumble, we’ll make any yankee think twice before infecting the Bluegrass state with their Birkenstocks, their reefers and their Keynesian macroeconomics.And because so much medical research happens at our universities, we’re sure to cement our reputation as the cancer and obesity capitals of the U.S. Likewise, the absence of business development that would have otherwise come out of the university community will slow new jobs to a crawl. And guess what: no new jobs, no yankee trash gaying up the joint!What’s more, our P-12 cutbacks in teacher professional development, textbooks, safe-school funds and Read to Achieve will send those hippies scurrying back to their yankee states quicker than you can say Intelligent Design! The Chair recognizes Operations Chief Williams. Operations Chief’s report: SKYHOOK Operations wishes to salute Communications Chief McConnell’s team for an impressive national effort that makes our job a breeze. We’ve gotten prominent media coverage in all the major hippie markets in the Northeast and California for our unbridled support for pretty much every anti-yankee idea our rootin’-tootin’ president comes up with.By continuing to convert mountains to golf courses, we’ve ensured a future resplendent with golf cleats instead of beatnik hiking boots. People the world over are talking about Kentucky’s world-class Creation Museum. Our low cigarette tax smokes out the yankees and, by refusing medical insurance to domestic partners, we’re giving the bohemians something to think about before bringing their hippiefied academic, technological and biz-dev research to the commonwealth. And last month, a New York Times story described Kentucky’s Turkmenistan-level dental care! You cannot buy that kind of publicity.Yet much work remains to be done. Large sections of Louisville and Lexington and pockets of dissent around the state are quite openly yankee-friendly. The gays are constantly making attempts at monogamy, and, despite our best efforts, educational attainment is on the rise. Accordingly, Municipalities Chief Abramson has some explaining to do. Municipalities Chief’s report:Yes, Louisville has seen a bigger increase in yankees and hippies than the rest of the commonwealth, as Ops Chief Williams hinted. However, we have many irons in the fire. We are working harder than ever to lure mega-corporations and big-box retail and entertainment to Possibility City. Nothing kills a yankee’s buzz like Hard Rock, Olive Garden or Kohl’s.Alas, the state is fixing and painting the Kennedy Bridge, dimming our hopes that it would fall into the river and cut off yankee supply routes to the north. Our best hope now is to bury Spaghetti Junction in concrete so hippies don’t get any ideas about frolicking along the waterfront. We must also continue to stamp out any ideas of comprehensive public transportation or light rail, and keep our streets Range Rover-friendly. We want Louisville weird but not too weird, if ya know what I’m saying. This is my pledge to you: We won’t rest until no ginkgo biloba, Astroglide or non-nugget chicken is consumed inside the Gene Snyder. Now, it’s true, our schools, our parks, our arts scene, our bohemian enclaves and our public radio partnership are attracting more yankees and hippies than we’d intended. I’m sorry, but it’s not like I can keep Duke from playing “Sugar Magnolia” on Relics! And you can’t crack the downtown-condo egg without cooking a slightly gay omelet, you just can’t! Look, what do you people expect from me?! You know what? I don’t care what anybody says, I love the tuna tutsuta at Maido, the She Devil at Browning’s and the boob collage at 21C, I don’t care how many freaks they bring to town! There! I said it! I don’t care who knows it! Hey! Where are you taking me?! Just listen to Duke. For the love of god, people, listen to Duke … Meeting adjourned.Contact the writer at citystrobe@leoweekly.com