December 28, 2007

Imaginary Conversations With David Williams and Jody Richards

Scene: Williams, the Republican Senate Majority Leader, and Richards, the Democratic House Majority Leader, are playing a round at StoneCrest Golf Course, which sits atop a reclaimed mountaintop removal mine site in Prestonsburg, Ky. Williams: Thank God for this course, you know? Richards: Amen, Dave. We ought to have more of ’em out here. W: Well, that pork porker Stumbo is coming back to the House. He’s in good with those companies, got some property on one of these, right? R: Sure does. I’ll give him a call. He’s an ardent supporter of golf on the mountains. W: At least he’s good for something. R: You might be dealing with him instead of me soon enough. W: Doesn’t matter. R: What’s that supposed to mean? W: I’m untouchable, Jody. I can screw anybody. I can gamble my salary away at the casino boat and still have the balls to hand taxpayer money to the Cumberlands so they can mess with the fags — oh, it’s so fun! And the judges, you know, huh-huh. If Lambert thinks I’m gonna give them any sorta raise in the near future, he’s high. R: You’re right. W: You think I don’t know that? Lord! R: Y’know, what a view. I mean, just look around, Dave. All you can see is bald Kentucky bluegrass, and the mountains are so comfortably distant. W: Yup. Just keepin’ the electricity prices down. R: Well, the U.S. Energy Administration reported last week that coal production is down in Appalachian states but steady out west. We’re gonna hafta get creative around here if we wanna keep up appearances. W: Jody, I told you to get on the horn to Stumbo! Who knows, he might be able to get us a membership out here while he’s at it.