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February 9, 2011

Sex Survey

LEO goes behind bedroom doors

Welcome to LEO Weekly’s first-ever Sex Survey. Some of the editorial staff at LEO is through with love, so we decided to refocus our energy on something more upbeat, tangible and consistent — sex! We knew Louisvillians weren’t shy, so we took our survey to the streets to find out what happens behind bedroom doors (or in cars, parks and public restrooms). We tried our best to incorporate everyone — neighborhoods, nationalities and naughty seamstresses. A couple hundred surveys were filled out, and we spent weeks giggling over the results while remaining completely objective and open-minded. Truth is, though, y’all are freaks. And we like it. Turns out there are a few notches here in our Bible Belt.

Please remember that journalists aren’t good at math — so take these percentages loosely. We’re not shocked that ladies love to kiss and tell — 65 percent of the surveys were filled out by women. Perhaps more telling about our diversity here in Louisville is the fact that 29 percent of the survey-takers identified as gay, 11 percent bi, and 60 percent straight. And for the moment, it looks like a majority of us are shacked up — 48 percent in monogamous relationships, with 39 percent single, and a lucky 13 percent in “open” relationships.

Below are the results of our survey, with a sample of the most recurring, random and hilarious answers. We’d like to thank everyone who participated. A few of your surveys were earmarked and sent to the FBI — you know who you are.

So take a look at what your fellow citizens are into — and cross your fingers that your next bedmate is into the reverse cowgirl. —Sara Havens

Best place in Louisville to have public sex?

Cherokee Park, Waterfront Park, Iroquois Park, The LEO office, Yum! Center, Tink’s bathroom, Wick’s Pizza bathroom, U of L Library, Outlook Inn, Seelbach, Porcini, Target bathroom, Thunder Over Louisville, Preston Highway movie theaters, Flanagan’s bathroom, Ten Pin bowling alley, Baxter Jack’s, Trolley Hop, old cemeteries, Nachbar women’s bathroom, in a van down by the river, not getting much public action — fucking stuck up girls, Southeast Christian, TARC bus, Back Door bathroom, White Castle drive-thru, Jerry Abramson’s front yard …

Craziest place you ever hooked up?

In a car while driving, barbecue joint in the backwoods of Georgia, Monkey Wrench rooftop, driving down I-264, Pizza Hut bathroom, Post Office at Highland/Baxter, La Bamba, phone booth, horse barn, Phoenix Hill bathroom, department store dressing room, a cab in New York City, car hood, Sully’s bathroom, Fourth Street Live, under a drafting table, choo-choo ride at Chuck E. Cheese, Atomic Saucer’s back room, on an airplane, my boss’ office, Target parking lot, dance floor, church parking lot, alley near Headliners, on the stage of the Central Park theater, Tryangles bathroom, Greyhound bus, top of the fridge, Spinelli’s bathroom, Louisville Airport, St. X music room, Hot Topic, elevator, Ali Center bathroom, sheep farm, J.C. Penney changing room …

Louisville celebrity you’d like to roll around with?

The Bar Belle (Sara Havens), Angie Fenton, Laura Shine, Jennifer Baileys, Larry Birkhead, Cindi Sullivan, William Mapother, Dawne Gee, Rick Pitino, DJ Fabi, Buddy the Bat, Jennifer Lawrence, Hadley Hartz, Karen Sypher, Greg Fischer, Jerry Abramson, Derek Anderson, Jennifer Carpenter, Chris Redman, Candyce Clifft, Diane Sawyer, Travis Meeks, Pam Swisher, Will Oldham, Juju Sanders, Bob Edwards’ voice (not really him), Chris Hartman, John Belski in the snow, Jim James, John Yarmuth, Jack Conway, Ben Sollee, Hunter S. Thompson, Vicki Dortch, Terry Meiners, Maker’s Mark bottle, Christopher 2X …

I’m ashamed to say that, sexually, I’m kinda into …

Whipped cream, porn, getting it on in a hot tub, pain, jerking off, chocolate, butt play, freaks, spanking, being choked, role playing, sex swing, bondage, guys who are assholes, big butts, hot wax, married men, motorboating, bison, blood drinking, squirting, knives, Jack Nicholson, tossing salad, Asian girls, sheep, LEO Weekly, your mom, furries, Derby City Roller Girls, eating boogers, sucking toes …

The sexiest thing I did in 2010 was …

Had a rendezvous at Locust Grove, fill out this survey, slapped someone in the face with my boobs, looked in the mirror, strapless strap-on, saw boobs at work, slept with two sisters, declared a major, dressed up like a cupcake, sleep with more than one person in a day, wore hooker boots, lose my cherry, making out while getting caught in the rain, separate from my husband, I did it in a kiddie pool, sex in a minivan, made out with a stripper, masturbated at the Walt Disney World Princess Castle, quit smoking, stalked the Bar Belle …

Straight men and lesbians — If forced to choose, which male celebrity would you most like to smush?

Johnny Depp, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Brad Pitt, Ray LaMontagne, David Beckham, Alexander Skarsgard, Don Johnson, Ricky Martin, Perez Hilton, Tupac, Rush Limbaugh, Larry King, Mos Def, Seth Rogen, Toby Keith, Prince, Jake Gyllenhaal, Gail …

Straight women and gays — If forced to choose, which female celebrity would you most like to smush?

Natalie Portman, Alyssa Milano, Rebecca Romijn, Danica Patrick, Blake Lively, Reese Witherspoon, Jessica Biel, Lady Gaga, Beyoncé, Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson, Winona Ryder, Jenna Jameson, Mariah Carey, Megan Fox, Katy Perry, Neve Campbell, Susan Sarandon, Fiona Apple, Betty White, Rachel Maddow, RuPaul …

Age you lost your virginity?

Youngest: 12, Oldest: 69, Haven’t had sex yet, 17 straight/19 gay …

How often do you have sex?

Not enough, once every three years, just enough to cope with life, zero, last time — 1996, I’ve been married 14 years and haven’t had sex in 5 years, twice a day, like a camel drinks water …

Number of people you’ve done the nasty with?

Zero, 1, 30, 80+, stopped counting after 100, once a month …

Favorite position?

Bottom, wheelbarrow, reverse cowgirl, doggy style, on top, anything with handcuffs, No. 5 in the “Kama Sutra,” Belgian row boat, missionary, 69, the walking astronaut, flying lotus, scissor, what what in the butt, on my knees …