May 7, 2014

Advice: Savage Love

Boundary disputes

Q: I’m a 26-year-old lesbian 18 months out of an eight-year relationship. She was my first girlfriend. I do not want to be in another monogamous relationship. I want to have a couple of sex buddies or, preferably, a couple of friends with benefits. In the last 18 months, I have had three FWB “arrangements” with different girls. The problem is, about two or three months in, each girl developed serious like/love feelings and began talking about a future together and how they want to be with me exclusively. Each time, I had to reiterate my feelings about not getting into a relationship and wound up feeling like an asshole. I care about these women and don’t want to hurt their feelings, but I told them the situation from the start. Am I a bad person? Or are FWB impossible?
Fears Wilting Boundaries

A: Friends-with-benefits arrangements may not be committed relationships, but they are relationships. They’re ongoing sexual relationships, and — you might want to sit down for this — people have been known to develop like/love feelings for folks they’re fucking on a regular basis. So if “getting into a relationship” is something you want to avoid, and you don’t want anyone developing feelings, you should have one-night stands and/or NSA sex instead. (Those are also relationships, in my opinion, but they’re extremely short-term ones, and people rarely develop serious like/love feelings in a single sex session.) On to your questions: You are not a bad person. FWB are not impossible — there are a lot of successful FWB arrangements — and a desire for exclusivity or a future together is not proof someone entered into a FWB arrangement under false pretenses. And reiterating your disinterest in a committed relationship isn’t assholery.

 

Q: The sitch: Tend bar with a hot girl who has a boyfriend. Hit on her anyway because I’m that guy. She says I can fuck her but only if her boyfriend gets to watch and eat her out after. I don’t want anything to do with that scene. I was down for some traditional cheating, not this kinky shit. But I’d still like to fuck this girl. Any advice for me?
Blue-Balled Baller

A: Nope.

 

Q: I am in a heterosexual relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We were long distance for the first year and a half. When we were long distance, he complained it was hard to have a relationship over the phone. Now that we are in the same city, he says he feels like our relationship has gone “stale” and he feels “trapped.” I’m sick of his complaining. Does he want to be with me or not? What is he really trying to say?
Confusing Lad Is Nagging Girl

A: “I’m intolerable and you should break up with me.”

 

Q: My question concerns my fiancé. He is 35 years old. Between the ages of 20 and 30, he was in and out of jail. He has admitted to me that while in prison, he had sex with a (trans woman). I know he loves having sex with (cis) women, but I found out he watches (a porn genre that features trans women who have penises). He says he is just looking, but I know he masturbates to this (porn genre). To be fair, he watches tons of porn featuring (cis) women. A lot. He loves watching (cis) women and having sex with (cis) women. My worry is that he wants to have sex with (trans women). Is this a legitimate worry? He doesn’t watch gay porn. I just want to make sure of everything if we are going to be married.
Fiancé Lusts After (Trans Women) Hottie

A: You would be foolish to waste your time wondering whether your fiancé wants to have sex with trans women, FLATWH, as it’s clear that your fiancé wants to have sex with trans women. The question you should concern yourself with is this: Can your fiancé be trusted to honor the monogamous commitment he’s (presumably) about to make to you, or is he going to cheat on you with other trans and/or cis women? If you trust that he’ll honor the commitment he makes to you, then his taste in porn and his fantasies about other partners — trans or not — is irrelevant.

 

Q: Where can straight women find men who won’t make odd sexual requests?
Dumped One Again

A: Graveyards.

On the “Lovecast,” Dan chats with graphic novelist Ellen Forney about dating when you’re bipolar: savagelovecast.com.