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January 9, 2013

Advice: Savage Love

Gay panic attack

Q: I’m a straight male, 21 years old. I’ve always loved women, I’ve always loved having sex with women. However, in the last year, I’ve jerked off to transsexual porn. One night, after drinking with a friend and smoking some hash, I arranged a date with a trans sex worker. There was nothing manly about her, except for, you know. I’ve been on the receiving end of anal play before from girls, so nothing new. But somewhere during this encounter, I became the receiving partner during anal sex. At the time, I was too fucked up to care. But the next day, I started to feel REALLY bad. She was very safe and used condoms. I just can’t get past the fact that I did the gayest thing a guy can do. I feel depressed about this traumatic situation. I can’t seem to enjoy my life anymore. I still want to date women and have sex with women. I don’t regret being with a trans woman because I wanted to experiment. Can a single act like this make me gay?
Wrong Side Of Wild Side

A: Give yourself a break. Yes, you did the gayest thing a guy can do, but now you’re doing the second-gayest thing a guy can do. You’re being a huge drama queen. Stop acting so cray, as the kids say, and repeat after me: One dick in the ass does not a gay man make. The difference between having a woman’s finger in your ass and having a woman’s dick in your ass is a matter of degree. If the woman’s finger was fine, why freak out about the woman’s dick? Remember: You don’t sleep with men, you’re not attracted to men. You made an exception for this woman’s dick because her dick is exceptional: It’s attached to a woman.

Maybe you took a longer walk on the wild side than you might have if you’d been sober, but thankfully, your sex worker was responsible and used condoms. So you didn’t emerge from this encounter with anything more devastating than a touch of gay panic. Be a man and walk it off, as the football coaches say. Maybe this will help: Like a lot of gay men, I had sex with a woman before I came out. I did the straightest thing a guy can do, and it didn’t make me straight. You did the gayest thing a guy can do, but that didn’t make you gay. You’re not gay, and one ride on a trans escort’s dick can’t change that.

If nothing I’ve said has made you feel better, maybe this will: Gay men don’t hire trans women sex workers. Wanting to be with a woman who has a dick is an almost exclusively straight male kink. Gay men are into dick, of course, but what we’re really into is dudes.

 

Q: I’m a married straight man. I recently spent a lovely day snorkeling with my wife in Mexico. We were grouped with three men who were in a committed three-person relationship. I lacked the cojones to ask directly, but they had an extensive travel history together and lived together, and everything was “we” this or that. They were lovely people. I wish we all lived in the same city, as it’s hard to meet cool people. Several questions: 1) What do gay people call such a union? 2) Does the gay community think it’s odd? 3) How does a union like that form? 4) Do they last?
Three-way Relationship Intrigues Oblivious Straights

A: 1) Such unions are referred to as “throuples” by gays and straights. For a picture of the inner workings of a gay throuple, check out Molly Young’s profile of one in New York magazine’s most recent “Sex Issue.” Benny, Jason and Adrian are the men behind the popular “gipster” porn site CockyBoys.com, and you can read Young’s piece about their home, work and sex lives at tinyurl.com/gaythrup.

2) Some gay people think throuples are odd, some think they’re unremarkable, and some think they’re sensible. And some gay people — some dumb ones — think gay throuples are bad PR at a time when gay couples are fighting for the right to marry. But our fight is for equal rights, not double standards, and no one argues straight marriage should be banned because of all the straight throuples, quadles, quintles, etc.

3) In my experience, yes, that’s usually how it happens.

4) Throupledom presents unique challenges: Major life decisions require buy-in from three people; two can gang up against one during arguments; the partners who were coupled before the third came along may treat the third as a junior partner. But throupledom presents benefits, too: another set of hands to help around the house, another income, another smiling face to sit on, etc. And it’s not like coupledom is a surefire recipe for success. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Yet discussions of throupledom all seem to begin with the assumption that coupledom is more stable. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I’d like to see some research comparing throuples to couples.

Find the “Savage Lovecast” every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.