Advice: Savage Love
Q: I’m 21 and still a virgin. I also have depression. I’m not bad-looking. I work out and generally keep people laughing. I got a lot of female attention in school, but I was hopeless and still am. Most of my friends have girlfriends, so I don’t understand why I haven’t had a girlfriend since I was 10. I feel myself becoming increasingly violent, to the extent that I have tried to provoke a fight that wasn’t necessary and I try to intimidate other guys when I’m out. I’ve been unemployed for three years since dropping out of college, and I haven’t really met a girl I was interested in since school. I’ve never made the first move with girls. I never feel compelled to, regardless of how attractive I find them. I do get a lot of eye contact from girls, and I’ve been approached by girls, but we barely ever get past exchanging names before they wander off or their friends pull them away. Writing this out has made me realize I should start approaching girls, but I don’t think it’s just that. Surely I should’ve met someone by now? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hopeless Over Painful Experience
A: Women typically expect the guy to do the approaching/asking out/hitting on, HOPE, so that’s definitely something you’ll have to work on. And if a woman is making eye contact with you in a space where it’s generally understood that people are open to meeting new people, flirting with them and potentially fucking them (house parties, bars, clubs, CPAC), eye contact is an invitation to introduce yourself.
But if women are approaching you and then “wandering off” after conversing with you for a moment or two — or being rescued by their friends — then you’re doing something wrong. I’m guessing you came across as angry and potentially violent because you are angry and potentially violent, and you’ve made a self-defeating decision to cultivate an intimidating vibe. That shit repels people, HOPE, and you’re never going to get anywhere with women — or employers, for that matter — if you give yourself over to anger, violence and menace. Bearing this in mind might take the edge off your anger: Fully 15 percent of 21-year-old men are virgins, HOPE, while only 5 percent of 25-year-old men are virgins. So you have a better than 66 percent chance of losing your virginity in the next few years if you can stop (1) wallowing in self-pity and (2) giving yourself over to anger.
My advice: Get your ass to a doctor and a therapist. Medication can help with the depression, and a good therapist can help you overcome your anger, self-pity and violent fantasies. Getting help, HOPE, is the best way to increase your odds of getting laid and/or getting a girlfriend.
Q: I’m a 25-year-old bi girl in the Southwest, and I’ve been with the same hetero guy for almost three years. I miss being with women. We made an attempt at being monogamish, but feelings were hurt and we went back to monogamy. He still parties like he’s in college and is a bit dependent on me — socially — whereas I crave independence and, quite frankly, pussy. I’ve started to withdraw and resent him, not just for the lack of sexual freedom but also because he drinks too much and acts like a slob. I want to move out when our lease ends. I’m willing to work on our issues, but I fear that when I have this conversation, it will break his heart and he will break up with me as a defensive approach, rather than seeing the breathing room as a way to work on our relationship. How can I express my need for other sexual partners and more space without sounding like I’m calling off the relationship? Is it even worth attempting dating, post living together?
Insert Quirky Acronym Here
A: Here’s what you should say to your boyfriend: “You’ve got some growing up to do, and I’ve got some eating pussy to do. I don’t want to end our relationship, but I’m moving out when our lease is up.” If your boyfriend breaks up with you, IQAH, it’s probably for the best — and it may not be forever. If he does dump you for purely defensive reasons, then he didn’t really want to dump you at all, right? So once the shock wears off and his anger subsides, your boyfriend may decide that having you in his life is more important than having you all to himself.
On the “Lovecast,” Dan finally enlists advice from an actual ethicist at savagelovecast.com.