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December 3, 2013

Advice: Savage Love

Slam bam

Q: I’m a bi woman in my mid-20s in a great monogamish relationship with my straight boyfriend. We occasionally invite other women into our sex life, which is really enjoyable for both of us. He isn’t threatened by other women, only by other men, which isn’t an issue since I’m not interested in any other men. So on the occasions when we find a lady we’re both into who’s also into us, anything goes, and it’s awesome. We’ve hooked up with both friends and strangers, but always as a couple because it makes us both feel safe. That’s all lovely. Enter the problem: I was visiting some friends of ours I used to live with before my boyfriend and I moved in together. After going out for drinks, we were playing an alcohol-fueled card game that turned into an alcohol-fueled strip card game. This is in my former home where I am very comfortable, feel safe and was frequently in various states of undress while I was a housemate. One friend soon had her lovely breasts out, and she made a few comments that were direct and inviting and turned me on a little. I touched her boobs and sucked on her nipples, but that’s as far as things went. Her boyfriend witnessed this but wasn’t involved. It was a fun, playful moment, and soon after, I went to bed — alone. It wasn’t anything my boyfriend would’ve objected to had he been there, but he wasn’t there. Should I tell him about it, or is this a case where he has the right not to know? I’m not interested in pursuing anything further with this friend, and I’m not sure what talking about it would accomplish, other than being honest at the expense of my boyfriend’s feelings, and probably making me feel bad for something that, although it seemed innocent and harmless in the moment, I shouldn’t have done.
Non-Intentional Playful Partying Lady Experiences Situation

A: This experience would seem to fall in the “right not to know” column, NIPPLES, but “right not to know” always has to be weighed against “likelihood of finding out.”

You indicate that this couple — the girl with the lovely, direct and inviting breasts (LDIBs), and the boy who witnessed the touching and sucking of said LDIBs — aren’t just friends of yours, NIPPLES, but friends of “ours.” If either of them makes a reference to this game of strip cribbage — or strip Uno or strip poker or strip Schnapsen — the next time the four of you hang out, the boyfriend could be blindsided. And it’s not clear whether there were other witnesses to your drunken touch-and-suck. But if there were others there, and if you socialize with these other witnesses IRL or online, the chances that your boyfriend will find out increase exponentially.

You know your boyfriend better than I do, NIPPLES, so you’ll have to ask yourself if finding out about the incident at a party or via a snarky Facebook post would leave him feeling twice as upset — because then we’re talking about a crime and a cover-up, and learning about the LDIBs incident in a manner (from a friend, in front of other people) that leaves him feeling humiliated.

 

Q: My boyfriend of nearly a year and I live together and are planning to move across the country in about a month. We have never fought and get along swimmingly. We have amazing sex, we see eye to eye on almost everything, and we are planning a future together. The only thing is, we have never said, “I love you” to each other. Is this normal? I know we love each other, but being in a serious, committed relationship of almost a year and not saying those words? Could it be possible that he doesn’t love me?
Hopefully Not Unlovable

A: Even if your boyfriend had said “I love you” a hundred thousand times over the last year, HNU, it would still be possible that he didn’t love you. People have been known to lie about this shit. But I don’t think a guy would move across the country or plan a future with a woman for whom he felt nothing. Either he already loves you but hasn’t found the right moment to say so, or he’s sensible enough to realize that you can’t be certain that you’re in love with someone until after you’ve had at least one fight.

That said, HNU, if you’re ready to say it to him, go ahead and say it. Just don’t have a meltdown if he’s not ready — yet — to say it to you.

Find the “Savage Lovecast” (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at savagelovecast.com.