Advice: Savage Love
Q: I’m a 21-year-old female. When we were both 14, my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I wanted to explore my sexuality a little, but things went further then I wanted. One day, we were kissing with him on top of me. We were both fully clothed, and he started rubbing up against me. I didn’t realize he was dry-humping me until after he had to leave to clean himself up. He never asked for my permission. Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated. He’d also groped my boobs on another occasion without asking. I haven’t spoken to him in seven years.
For the most part, this hasn’t scarred me. I’m comfortable with my sexuality. However, it’s very painful for me to think about what happened. I also avoid having sex with someone on top of me, because it reminds me of what happened and I start panicking. As far as I’m concerned, it wasn’t rape. But I do feel like I was exploited, and it was not consensual. I want to contact him and ask him to apologize. The problem is that he lives on the other side of the country, and I have no way of contacting him besides Facebook. I don’t think FB is the right place to talk about this, but it’s not possible to talk in person. How can I get in touch with him in a way that’s appropriate without having to see him?
Would’ve Said No
A: Let’s game this out. While it’s possible your ex-boyfriend did this on purpose — he knew you wouldn’t agree to it, he went ahead and did it anyway, you feel violated because you were violated — it’s also possible that this was an accident. I’m not excusing his behavior, particularly the nonconsensual boob groping, but as a former 14-year-old boy myself, WSN, I feel obligated to toss this out there: Very few boys have achieved complete mastery over their dicks by age 14. Sometimes those things go off when we do not want them to. And accidentally blowing a load in your pants during a hot-and-heavy make-out session is an experience most boys find deeply humiliating.
You were there, and I was not; you dated this dude, and I did not. If your boyfriend was a generally decent guy, and if there’s a chance this was an accident, contacting him — even via Facebook — will probably get you the apology you want.
But if it wasn’t an accident — if he was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit who took advantage of your naiveté — you’re unlikely to get the apology you want. Ask yourself how you’ll feel if he responds to your request for an apology with GIFs of people laughing their asses off. If the answer is “infinitely worse,” don’t contact him.
Q: I am a straight, 45-year-old, monogamous male. I am married for the second time, to a wonderful 42-year-old woman. The few times I shared fantasies with my first wife, she used them as weapons in the many battles we fought over the years. She also betrayed my trust by sharing these fantasies with others. Fast-forward to wife No. 2. She is fabulous. She is respectful of my trust issues and has helped me immensely in getting over much of it. When she says, “I’ll think about it,” she really does. I never feel dismissed. And the sex has been amazing. So what is the problem? I can’t bring myself to ask her for two things that are more than bucket-list issues to me. I am a closet crossdresser. I want to make love to her in stockings and a teddy. So how do I scare up the courage to ask wife No. 2 to let me dress up in women’s underwear and make love to her and then have her pee on me?
Pretty Under Normal Things
A: You love your new wife, she loves you, you’re both GGG — it all sounds so good, so functional, especially compared to your nightmarish first marriage. But you held your two biggest kinks back from the new woman in your life, PUNT, and now you’re sweating the reveal. This is precisely why I urge people to lay those kink cards on the table early. My advice: Instead of having an open and honest here-are-two-things-I-wanna-do conversation, go with an indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversation. Find a way to broach the topics of crossdressing and piss play without having to admit that they turn you on, e.g., go see a drag show and find a porn with one brief, not-too-hardcore piss scene in it. Pay attention to her response. If she reacts in a neutral or positive way, lay those last two kink cards on the table. If she reacts negatively, you might just die with those wishes unfulfilled.
This week on the “Savage Lovecast,” Dan chats with the amazing Mistress Matisse about where kink comes from, fantasy BDSM versus nonconsensual abuse, and how to meet a kinky mate. All at savagelovecast.com.