Advice: Savage Love
Q: I am trying to understand some sexual fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we first tried pegging a few years ago. We recently had our first child and can no longer find the time for such kinky sex. These transsexual fantasies have caused a large strain in our relationship, and I don’t understand why I am having them or what I should do about them. I do not want to engage in a relationship with another person, I just want to know if it’s normal to have these fantasies.
Confused But Hopeful
A: Normal? No, most men don’t fantasize about their wives sprouting penises, so your fantasy isn’t normative. But no one’s sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are subjective and personal. Some are more common than others — a desire to be spanked, for instance — but even the most common sexual fantasies appeal only to small subsets of people.
Here’s what you should do about your fantasies for now: Shut up and fantasize about them. Your sex life has taken a hit because you’re new parents; odds are good that your wife doesn’t have the time or energy for sex right now without you also asking her to do something impossible (grow a penis) or something risky (give you the OK to get this fantasy fulfilled elsewhere). And considering what that pegging awoke in you, your wife may be experiencing a bad case of pegger’s remorse right now. She may worry where your fantasies will ultimately lead, e.g., cheating or leaving. That’s not something a new mom (or a new dad) wants to contemplate. So, again, shut the fuck up and beat the fuck off for now. In a year or maybe two, after your sex life has kicked back into gear, your wife might be willing to either explore your fantasies through role-play games or give you a pass to get with a woman with a dick.
To understand more about your fetish, google “gynandromorphophilia.”
Q: My boyfriend recently became interested in motorcycles, which makes me nervous for his safety. We had a good talk about it, and he settled on a motorcycle/scooter hybrid that goes only 50 miles per hour. Now he’s looking into upgrading to a full motorcycle. I don’t feel betrayed, but I am genuinely worried for his safety. However, it’s his life, we don’t have kids, and I certainly don’t control him. How do you deal with your fear over a loved one’s safety when they choose to do something that makes you nervous?
Wants Improved Motor Practices
A: My husband recently became interested in growing a mustache, which made me nervous for my sanity. (All of my uncles had mustaches when I was a kid, and the thought of kissing a guy with a mustache made me think of kissing my uncles Ray, Bill, Jerry, Jimmy, et al., and … ick.) He went ahead and grew one while I was out of town for two weeks. It’s his face, of course, and I certainly don’t control him. But I control my face, and I refused to press mine to his — or press any other part of my body to any part of his — until the mustache was gone. It was gone the next day. Maybe you could take the same approach with your boyfriend?
Q: I am a 29-year-old straight male. I was introduced to Fetlife — and to BDSM generally — by my former girlfriend, who has a profile on the site. The relationship ended a year ago, and things got tempestuous. We tried to be friends, but she changed her mind, and now we don’t speak. I joined Fetlife recently, and here’s where it gets awkward: After our breakup, I occasionally looked at her profile. When she posted a couple nice photos of herself, I stupidly liked them. Now she’s messaged me a couple times, and I am terrified. There are no pictures on my profile, so she doesn’t know it’s me. Now I don’t know what to do: ignore the messages, or come clean, or what?
Ex Currently Keeping Secret
A: We can’t stop our exes from checking out our online personal ads, blogs, websites, Tumblrs, etc., but you stepped over the line when you liked your ex’s photos. That act amounted to initiating contact with a woman who made it clear she no longer wished to be in contact with you. You could respond to her messages with “Hey, it’s me,” but she may feel that you tricked her into getting back in contact. Having her messages ignored might also upset her, but a nonresponse from a presumed stranger will be less upsetting than a hello from you. There are lots of lurkers and flakes on dating sites, and it’s pretty common to send one or two messages to someone and never hear back. So don’t respond.
Find the “Savage Lovecast” (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.